There have been a couple of changes to the dressing-rooms at Ibrox and Auchenhowie. Special, pigmented dust is now blown through ducts into the air in the changing-rooms. Before you get too alarmed, the dust has been tested thoroughly and is non-toxic. It does ensure, however, that when players are spitting or blowing their nose onto the pitch there are no offensive green groggers or snotters landing. Instead, the players’ mucal excretions will come in tasteful, and patriotic, shades of red, white or blue.

Neo-Gers, meanwhile, have the second leg of their Europa League qualifier to look forward to tonight. Apparently, Boxy’s “confident his new-look Rangers (sic) side can avoid an “unthinkable” defeat”. New-look? That’ll be the boots he’s talking about. On this issue, he says, “All clubs need to have their own culture. We have our culture, history and traditions and we just need to keep it and defend it.” Christ! He’ll be guarding Derry’s walls next.  He goes on, “So those are the rules, these are our philosophy and they are equal for everyone. Are we convinced about it? Yes, so those are our rules and we need to follow the rules.” What the fuck does that even mean? The guy’s obviously not all there.

Speaking of ‘history’ and ‘traditions’, it seems the police are investigating that shower that paraded under a bridge, giving it laldy with the ‘Famine Song’. (Er…weren’t there police there at the time?) Robert McLean, Executive Officer of the Orange Order of Scotland said, “None of our members took part in this. The band played the tune but it was the people on the streets who put the words to the tune.” Well, that’s alright then, eh? Plans have already been drawn up for the tunes that bands will be playing in Belfast for the Twelfth. The crowds will be entertained by such Sixties classics as I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, A World of Our Own and, of course, Napoleon XIV’s They’re Coming to Take Me Away.

Apologists for the Orange Order still try to insist that the lyrics to the ‘Famine Song’ are meant to be humorous and against the ‘Plastic Paddies’ among the Celtic support. What a load of pish! Anyone that’s actually listened to, or read, the lyrics knows that to be untrue. Commenters on McMurdo’s old blog let loose the real intent of the song with their cries of wanting Scotland to be just for ‘indigenous’ Scots; the rest of us should ‘go home’. They were none too happy when I said that I’d be perfectly happy to ‘go home’ to County Derry if it weren’t for all the ‘indigenous Scots’ there, hogging the best jobs. According to McMurdo himself, I was ‘full of hatred’ and ‘a bigot’.

Then we’ve got the old stand-by: denominational schools. If you’ve read my book, Up to Our Knees, you’ll know my reply to this nonsense. Non-Denominational schools in Scotland are, in fact, Protestant schools. If they don’t want denominational schools, then they’ll have to remove RE from the school curriculum, something that’s enshrined in law in Scotland. Actually, I didn’t come up with this argument; it was the reply given to  critics of state-run, Catholic schools by Tories in the 1920s. If they wanted everyone to go to the same school, then RE would have to go. That shut most of the bigots up.

I see that the revelation has been made of a cover-up by the Ministry of Defence of allegations of child abuse among cadets in the armed forces. Do you think The Peeppul will be screaming for an investigation?

Finally, I came across this on Twitter, which was re-tweeted by Christopher C and Timmy Holt: “Happy Independence Day to all the loyal Orange Americans, hope to see you on the 12th in Belfast.” Er…who are they ‘loyal’ to? And who are they celebrating independence from? It looks like Boxy has fallen in with the right crowd.

“Awright, troops? Ah hink Cashin…Catchin…oor manager iz perfectly right tae ban that colour-a boots frae Raynjurz. Ah mean, Ah cannae even bring masel’ tae say the word, man! It’s against aw wur tradishuns an’ culchur ‘n ‘at, so it is. Ah mean, how kin ye trust any player that plays fur us runnin’ aboot wi’ that colour oan? Aw the new players’ll jist hiv tae learn the score. Wae don’t waant folk hinkin’ thur Kaffliks ur that, dae wae?”


4 thoughts on “I’LL NAME THAT TUNE IN ONE!

  1. You had me laughin, at the title Pat……..Their new found outrage might be part of a larger colour scheme.
    How could they be expected to pay their taxes and bills if it means soiling their hands with grubby green stuff? Also the introduction of EBTs was a way to cut back on the use of “Satan’s Cabbage” while compensating their loyal players!
    Prepare to witness the full power of the Blue Pound!!!!!……


  2. Hearing Green Day have cancelled their gig at Bellahouston Park as Pedro Caixinha says there are no green days allowed in Glasgow any more


  3. OMG – I’m gonna be laughing til Xmas they just got pumped out At 1st round ! Where’s the dough now Squinty?


  4. I got unavoidably caught in their parade in Glasgow on Saturday. As I was walking down the street I was passed by an Asian guy in a Sevco top. He was shouting accross the road to someone he obviously knew. He shouted in full view of a cop f..k all Catholics and f..k the Pope. The cop never said a word to him. I wouldn’t expect anything else. Total scum, they should be banned. The disruption they cause as well as the Sectarian bile allowed to happen is a disgrace. I read your book Pat, Up to Our Knees. Great read. Spot on too.


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