When I was at university, an ice-cream van used to come round every evening, stopping at each hall of residence. I was a regular customer, stocking up on Irn Bru for a night of essay writing. One evening, I suddenly took a notion for something I hadn’t had in years – an oyster. When I asked the guy, he looked at me with an exasperated expression and said, “You must bae the thirtieth person tae ask fur wanny theym this week, but wae’ve no’ goat any!” When I asked why he didn’t sell them, he replied, “Thur’s nae call fur thum!”
The Scottish media are currently playing the same stupid game. Despite petitions demanding that the titles that Rangers cheated to win are struck from the records, they keep saying that there’s ‘no appetite’ for title stripping. Mind you, they’re doing the same with another independence referendum, saying there’s ‘no appetite’ when thousands are marching in the streets. But I guess that’s what happens when one man and his dodgy PR firm seem to be in charge of Scotland’s media. And they talk about North Korea!
The Peeppul themselves are sticking to the old ‘won on the pitch’ argument, which is a load of pish. It’s like when I used to take my schoolkids to under-12 competitions and my captain would go to the centre circle for the kick-off to be confronted by an opposition player with a beard, trying to give him a masonic handshake! (I’m slightly exaggerating, but you get my drift.) Yet, The Peeppul would swear blind that it was a fair match!
Speaking of which, did you see the excitement among the ranks of The Peeppul when it was reported that Progres might have fielded an ineligible player? Most of them were too embarrassed to see a light at the end of the tunnel, but there were still plenty of ‘Cyprus, here we come!’ responses. Fucking hypocrites.
The responses of The Peeppul to the demands for title stripping appear to go through five stages, like the stages of grief. We’ve got the ‘won on the pitch’ straw to clutch at, next comes the ‘EBTs were legal at the time’ argument. Actually, this is true. EBTs were legal at the time but it was also made clear at the time, by government legislation and by financial institutions, that they could not be used as part of normal remuneration. Rangers knew this as well; why else would they have had side letters and hidden them from the authorities? Even their financial-adviser-cum (oops!)-porn-star made this plain to them. They cheated. They knew it then and we know it now.
Thirdly comes the ‘you can’t know if we wouldn’t have won those trophies anyway’ shite. Such arguments might hold sway with existentialists, like Albert Camus and Jean-Paul Sartre, but they’ve got no place in the real world. Can you imagine that being used as a defence by somebody in court, accused of murdering his parents to get their money? “How d’ye know they widnae’ve gied mae the money anywye?” It’s a pathetic argument and I think many of The Peeppul have taken The Cure’s Killing an Arab, based on Camus’s novel, L’Étranger, as a blueprint for normal behaviour! (A bit of intellectualism there for you!)
Fourthly comes that old stand-by, child abuse. Torbett, Penn State etc. are all brought into the equation as The Peeppul demand an enquiry. They don’t want a full-scale enquiry, you understand; one that would encompass every institution in the UK, including Westminster, and put Prince Charles on the stand to find out what he knew about Jimmy Savile’s crimes. No. Every other instance, allegation or rumour of child abuse is to be ignored while Celtic FC comes under intense scrutiny.
Finally comes, not acceptance, but threats of violence, like the moron on Twitter, promising to ‘burn down the whole fucking game’. Is this the reason why our football authorities and so-called journalists are desperate for the whole thing to be swept under the carpet? If such mob-rule predominated in any other country, then our media would be all over it, saying how lucky we are to live in a nation that’s unafraid to stand up for the truth. If these Peeppul get to dictate how our football is governed and operated, then there’s no point in it anymore. Football in Scotland will be finished.
Incredibly, some of The Peeppul are saying that it’s time that Rangers (sic) boycotted Scottish football. Well, on you go then. Get tae fuck! Where else would they go, though? The English definitely wouldn’t want them, even down at the very bottom of FA football. They’d probably just have to set up their own, ‘international’ league with Linfield FC, where they could run up a record number of titles!
Meanwhile, there are some among The Peeppul, in the media and even among our own support that ask how you can possibly have ‘no winner’ or an asterisk in the records. To them I say, go and find out who won the Scottish Cup in 1909!
Finally, some of our own can sometimes be as thick as the Huns and swallow the bait hook, line and sinker. The other night, on Twitter, everybody was ripping the pish out of this character. They really should have looked at the guy’s actual timeline. Now, who does that remind you of?
“Awright, troops? It’s no’ us thit’s the cheats – it’s fuckin’ Sellick, tryin’ tae steal trophies they never won. What? D’yez waant the Petrol Fact Cup anaw? They trophies an’ titles wur won fairly and squarely oan the field-a play. But ye jist know thit they bastarts it Hampden’ll try an’ take wur titles; they’ve always goat it in fur us, so they hiv. It’s the same wi’ aw the Raynjurz-Haturz in the media; thur awready gawin’ oan aboot strippin’ titles. Cunts. See if Ah wisnae oan Disability cozzy ma gout, Ah’d go up tae Hampden an’ burn the fuckin’ place doon. The same wi’ the fuckin’ Peedledome!”