BIG BILLY’S BOOK

Billy ‘Burger’ King has been trying to hawk his book round all different publishers but none are prepared to take him on. That might be because he insists on it being published exactly the way he says it. He’s decided to bite the bullet and publish on Amazon but, since he can’t write, he needs to dictate it. Somebody put him in touch with me since I’ve already published on Amazon and wrote a book with Glaswegian dialogue (The McGlinchy Code). He’s not overly happy about it but what else can he do? He’s given me permission to put part of his Introduction chapter up here. He dictated it to me over the phone last night. See what you think.

“Intraduchshin

It goes withoot sayin’ thit success breeds jealousy an’ thur wur plenty-a folk thit wur jealous-y Raynjurz’ success. In May 2011, Raynjurz won thur 54th title; a world record thit still stauns tae this day. It wiz a glorious time tae be a bear. The doonside wiz that it wiz Walter Smith’s last season it Ibrox, but Ally McCoist wiz ready tae take ower in the new season, so hings wur awright.

The greatest manager in the history-a fitba’, Walter Smith, hud nae money tae spend that season; evryhin’ wiz done oan the cheap. But still ay managed tae win Raynjurz’ third title in a row – wi’ nae dough! The tarriers wur fuckin’ fumin’, coz they’d aye made oot thit Walter wiz jist a chequebook manager. It wiz great tae see um prove thum aw wrang.

Behind the scenes, though, hings wurnae that great, though wae didnae know it yit. Aw we knew wiz thit Sir David Murray wiz lookin’ fur early retirement an’ a long rest. Ay certainly deserved it fur evryhin’ ay done fur Raynjurz – winnin’ jist aboot evryhin’ in Scotland an’ daein’ well in Europe against the cream-a Yoorapeein’ teams. Before ay could pit ays feet up, though, (Aye, Ah know ays no’ goat any feet, but yez know what Ah mean) ay hud tae sell the club. The problem wiz thit naebdy waanted tae buy it.

Emdy thit boat Raynjurz wiz gonny hiv tae pye aff aw the debt; no’ thit thur wiz that much tae pye aff. Sir David hud managed tae bring aw Raynjurz’ debts doon, but thur wiz another, big cunt-y a debt hingin’ ower the club; a fuckin’ big tax bill. That wiz what wiz pittin’ folk aff buyin’. The truth is, though, thit the debt wisnae real.

Maist Tarriers ur pyoor tramps, sittin’ oan the dole thur hale lives but some-y thum huv managed tae get intae high positions in aw different joabs, usually through cheatin’ an’ bein’ sleekit. Three-y thum hid even made it tae the toap-y HMRC; thur names wur Declan O’Taig, Declan O’Tarrier an’ Declan O’Fenian. These three decided thit the only wye they could stoap Raynjurz wid be tae destroy thum an’ pit thum oot-y business. That wid leave the coast clear fur Sellick tae win evryhin’. They came up wi’ a plan tae dae this.

Fur years, Raynjurz hid been runnin’ a perfectly legal system-y giein’ loans tae players. Aw this wiz above-board an’ wiz always shown in the club’s accounts. The Three Declans, though, goat the Government tae chinge the rules so thit the loans, EBTs they wur called, wur illegal. Then they goat HMRC tae start chasin’ efter Raynjurz, even though ye cannae back-date a chinge in the law.

Wi’ HMRC pittin’ the squeeze oan Raynjurz, the bank decided tae dae the same. They moaned like hell aboot a measly few million quid, an’ even pit wanny thur ain men oan the board tae keep tabs oan what money wiz comin’ in. That’s how Walter didnae hiv money tae spend oan players; the tight-fisted fucker frae the bank made sure ay didnae get any.

Hings wur gettin’ desperate, wi’ Sir David lookin’ mair an’ mair tired; ay definitely needed a rest. Wi’ the bank insistin’ thit ay sell tae the first cunt thit came alang, Sir David wiz feelin’ the pressure. An’ then alang comes Big Fanny-Baws, Craig Whyte, fresh frae Monte Carlo, lookin’ tae take advantage-y Sir David’s good nature.

Aw the Raynjurz-Haturz in the Scottish meeja waanted Big Fanny-Baws tae buy the club; sumhin’ thit should’ve hud alarm bells gauin’ aff in the Blue Room. They gie’d iz aw a load-a shite aboot Whyte bein’ a billionaire an’ hivvin’ ‘wealth aff the radar’ ‘n ‘at, makin’ oot thit ay’d bae the best hing ever tae happen tae Raynjurz. Efter aw, ay styed in Monte Carlo, where aw the rich folk lived, din’t ay?

Some-y the Raynjurz board tried tae warn um, but Sir David wiz desperate and wiz dooped wi’ aw theym in the papers. Ay wiz that desperate thit Big Fanny-Baws persuaded um tae sell the hale club furra pound. Ay promised, though, tae pye aff aw the debts an’ make some badly-needed investment in the club. Tae the rest-y iz it looked as if thur wiz nuhin’ tae worry aboot.

An’ that wiz the Murray era ower, jist like that. It hud been a brullyint time tae be a Raynjurz supporter; nine-in-a-row, a UEFA Cup final, nearly aw the wye in the Champions League and reachin’ a world-record 54 titles. Evrybdy knew thit Raynjurz wiz the maist successful club in the hale world. No’ thit wae ever bragged aboot it ur anyhin’; no’ like they wans acroass the city, aye gauin’ oan aboot thur Yoorapeein Cup, even though winnin’ it wiz easy back then. An’ so, Sir David, efter years-y ploughin’ ays ain money intae Raynjurz, went aff intae the sunset tae enjoy ays retirement.

Hings wur lookin’ good durin’ the summer. Raynjurz goat rid-y a loat-a dross an’ broat in some excitin’-lookin’ players. Thur wiz Whan Manuel Awteeth, Kyle Bartley, Bedoya, Bockaneggra an’ even Lee Wallace. Wae wur aw lookin’ forward tae the new season; wi’ Sooperally in charge, loads-a new players an’ Whyte pyin’ aw the bills, wae didnae hiv tae fear emdy.

Meanwhile, ower it Sellick, they didnae hiv much tae look forward tae at aw. Wi’ Lennon the Bigot in charge, they’d nae chance-y winnin’ anyhin’. Aw Lennon hud achieved in the previous season wiz tae cause a referees’ strike. Ay wiz pish; he knew it an’ aw the Tarriers knew it an’ aw. Ay wiz nuhin’ but a wee ned thit hud started a fight wi’ big Haj Doof an’ then tried tae attack Ally McCoist. It didnae matter what kinna players Sellick hud; Lennon wid make sure they won bugger aw.

Yoorapeein matches didnae go very well fur Raynjurz that summer. In the first qualifier fur the Champyins League, wae goat beat wan-nuhin’ bae Malmo. The goal wiz a lucky wan; ironically enough scored bae sumdy called Larsson. That name wiz synonimusis wi’ lucky goals against Raynjurz. The return match, in Sweden, wiz a draw, wi’ loads-a cheatin’ tae make sure Malmo went through.

The bigots an’ Raynjurz-Haturz in FARE made up a pile-a shite aboot Raynjurz supporters singin’ sectarian songs an’ that goat iz banned frae gauin’ tae Sweden tae support the troops. Even if thur wiz any singin’ it wiz a tiny minority thit wiz daein’ it an’ the cunts must’ve strained thur ears tae hear it. An’ it’s funny how they never dae anyhin’ aboot theym singin’ aw thur bigoted songs aboot the IRA an’ killin’ Prodissints ‘n ‘at. Anywye, Raynjurz hud tae play in front-y a hostile crowd.

The cheatin’ referee sent aff two-y wur players tae make sure thit Malmo hud mair-y a chance; even then they could only manage a wan-wan draw. It wiz enough fur thum tae go through, though. It makes ye wonder how minny mair trophies Raynjurz wid’ve won ower the years if it wisnae fur hivvin’ tae pit up wi’ cheatin’ officials!

It wiz doon tae the Europa League qualifiers, wi’ two games against Slovenian club Maribor tae get by. Thur wur a few mistakes ower there in the first leg, lettin’ Maribor win two-wan. The second leg it Ibrox, though, wiz aw doon tae another cheatin’ referee. Raynjurz wur denied two clear-cut penalties an’ the game ended up a wan-wan draw. That meant thit Raynjurz wur oot-y Europe before Christmas. It least it meant thit Ally could concentrate oan the domestic front.

Sellick, meanwhile, cheated thur wye intae the Group Stages-y the Europa League bae grassin’ oan Swiss club Sion fur hivvin’ an ineligible player. Justice wiz done, though, when they goat beat in evry game an’ goat knoacked oot withoot even scorin’ a goal.

In the Premier League, Ally wiz daein’ brullyint in ays first season in charge. Efter a shaky start; a wan-wan draw wi’ Hearts, Raynjurz went oan tae win aw thur games, includin’ beatin’ theym 4-2. Wae went intae 2012 a fuull fifteen points ahead-y thum; even Motherwell wur ahead-y thum iz they languished in third place. It wiz gonny take a miracle fur thum tae catch iz. An’, by God, a miracle wiz aboot tae come thur wye.

They aw knew thit the only wye Sellik could win wid be tae nobble Raynjurz, so the Three Declans looked fur sumhin’ else tae cause trouble. They fun’ it, or said they did. Thur story wiz thit Whyte hidnae been handin’ ower the PAYE frae the club’s employees. That wiz the straw thit broke the camel’s back.

In February 2012, the announcement wiz made thit Big Fanny-Baws wiz pittin’ Raynjurz intae administration. When the adminstrators wur finally appointed it meant thit Raynjurz wur docked ten points. That wiz enough fur the Taigs tae win the league; especially since morale it Raynjurz hit rock-bottom. The Three Declans’ plan worked a treat an’ Sellick went oan tae win the first-y thur tainted titles.”

 

“Awright, troops? What d’yez hink, then? If that cunt Anderson kin get it aw typed up it should bae oot in time fur Christmas. It’ll make the best stockin’-filler ever, apart frae ma Betty, of course!”

6 thoughts on “BIG BILLY’S BOOK

  1. you better be careful pat, jj seems to be on meltdown on his own wee blogosphere over there, ( wherever over there actually is ) while he’s waiting to be assasinated he’s assasinated phil and will be coming for you shortly. your obviously plagiarising ( word for word ) the mans work… oops better hide there’s a knock at my door i think it’s DCI Ro

    Like

  2. Ghost writing for a zombie, Pat? It could be the death of you as an author. Remember, this is a book about the history of Raynjurz so it will have to be ‘well rotten’.

    Like

  3. Catching up on the internet of the last couple of days and JJ is still selling stolen property to the hard of learning and Steerpike seems to have found his home from home on TSFM. What is the world coming to . The SoS account is being run by a guy that sounds a bit like the Phantom Bugger so perhaps as money is tight down Govan way the PR budget has been cut . Sevco now have the chance to do three in a row and with an AGM due it is squeaky bum time at the asbestos dome .

    Like

  4. Yes just yesssss! Another in the trophy room and another boaking from the ugly horde! I’m off fur sleep canna wait til,work tomorrow to see their faces and to shake my work mate Gerry’s hand (Mark O’Haras dad)……. flippin brilliant weekend.

    Like

  5. Another trophy in the bag and Scotland humping the convicts at the noble game that is rugby union so not a bad weekend . The Scottish FOOTBALL monitor has hardly a mention of the first final of the season as they have more important things on their collective mind the troll formerly known as Steerpike. Old Niall has them tied in knots and the thick buggers keep coming back for more which is the holy grail of fools errands and like trying to herd cats using terriers. A friend who supports Celtic took his dad a Motherwell supporter for the full monty at the cup final with the champers lunch and free bar all day so a good time was had by all and he would just like to thank Pedro for making the day possible . The only cloud on the horizon is that I am now too late to subscribe to JJs exclusive executive content over on cash for questions but I will just have to learn to live with it .

    Like

    1. SFM normally shut Steerpike down after a couple of days but they seem to have accepted him in his latest guise. They know who he is – that arrogant, condescending style is unmistakable – but they’re tolerating him nonetheless. He has even started posting in a second identity to support his own arguments!  I’ve never understood why he bothers as he convinces no-one but he’s certainly dedicated – does he have nothing else to do? It’s all very bizarre. He wouldn’t get away with it on JJ’s site – well, not unless he paid of course.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.