MURTY’S FLEXIBLE FRIEND

If you went to school in the 1980s onwards, long after I’d left, you probably remember watching videos in the last couple of days before the holidays. This was standard practice when I was a teacher, especially in the run-up to Christmas, when it’s well nigh impossible to get any work done. Then it all ground to a halt when the headteacher announced that she’d received a letter from the council, saying that it was illegal to show the children videos or DVDs. She actually considered buying an exhibitor’s licence but changed her mind when she discovered the cost.

We were told that only educational films could be shown, which meant old videos of Watch or Stop Look and Listen. It was hardly the kind of thing to help calm down a mass of kids all focused on Santa Claus. Luckily, these restrictions only lasted a year. The headteacher discovered from other heads that the letter was a standard one, sent out now and again. Everybody ignored it and nobody had ever been prosecuted.

It’s the same with the letter from Celtic regarding season tickets that everybody’s up in arms about. It’s simply reiterating what’s printed on your season ticket and in the terms and conditions you sign up to. I hardly think they’re going to start demanding photo ID from everybody going through the turnstiles. For one thing, they’d have to employ extra staff and it would take bloody ages as well; they wouldn’t be able to kick off until after four o’clock!

There is, however, a need to tread with caution when handing over your season ticket to somebody else. I was at Stirling University during the Miners’ Strike and the Students Union magnanimously decided to admit anyone showing an NUM card. This was a good idea in theory; in practice, though, it was anything but. Most ordinary miners were concerned about making ends meet and keeping their kids fed; they didn’t have time or money to go out drinking. What we got was crowds of neds and assorted cunts turning up, pushing students about and picking fights with anybody whose accent sounded ‘posh’.

One bunch of altruistic souls (i.e. stupid cunts) invited some miners back to their campus flat for a few drinks. The miners completely wrecked the place, wrenching doors off the hinges and throwing all the furniture, including the fridge and the cooker, through the windows. Security guards that arrived on the scene were beaten up and the police had to be called to get rid of them. Then came the punchline. Everybody’s tenancy agreement stipulated that they were responsible for the behaviour of any guests they might have. The poor bastards in that flat had to stump up a fortune to replace everything, including the windows. The miners were no longer welcome in the Students’ Union after that.

And that’s the thing with season tickets as well. If you’re going to lend it to somebody, you’d better be damned sure that they’re not going to get pished and cause mayhem – because you’ll be held responsible. I read on Twitter that the guy that ran onto the pitch to kick a PSG player had borrowed somebody else’s season ticket. I doubt that season ticket holder will ever lend it out again!

I see Graeme Murty is claiming that he’s had help and advice from Auld Dignity himself, Walter Smith. Smith was nothing but a chequebook manager. Of course, nobody uses cheques anymore; nowadays he’d be a debit card manager. I suppose that’s why Murty calls him ‘Maestro’. You can just imagine the conversation:

MURTY: What help and advice can you give me, Mr Maestro?

SMITH: Get yer arse doon the Ludge.

MURTY: But I thought I’d be better winning games on merit.

SMITH: Merit? Merit? This is fuckin’ Ibrox, son, naebdy wins anyhin’ here oan merit! Get that fuckin’ trooser leg rolled up an’ Ah’ll drive ye doon the Ludge masel’. Ye’ll need tae get talkin’ tae some referees.

MURTY: But, don’t I have to apply and be considered and things like that?

SMITH: Ah’ve stull goat plenty-a clout, son, jist get in the car an’ Ah’ll soon hiv ye inducted.

Of course, Smith’s advice worked wonders, with Neo-Gers ‘winning’ four games in a row. Something went seriously wrong yesterday, though, and Murty wants answers from referee Don Robertson.

Graeme Murty, yesterday, after nailing his Ninety-Five questions to Don Robertson’s door.

Speaking of yesterday’s Neo-Gers match, did you see that tifo display organised by the Union Bears? What the fuck was that meant to be? In the top middle section I thought I spied a black-and-white image of Reginald Maudling, but what the hell he’s got to do with anything I don’t know. The only thing that made any sense was the bit underneath the tifo, saying ‘No Surrender’. Mind you, even that’s always puzzled me. Who asked them to surrender? Fuckwits.

While the powers-that-be at Ibrox are always grubbing around for money, one thing they never have to pay for is advertising. Every year since the birth of Neo-Gers, the papers have run the ‘story’ of how much a season ticket is for Ibrox and how to go about getting one. True to form, there was an ‘article’ in the Record, and probably other papers, in which Danny Wilson was ‘laughing off’ suggestions of Neo-Gers mounting a title challenge. Rather co-incidentally, there just happened to be a picture of Wilson with all the details of getting a half-season ticket for Ibrox. In case anyone missed it, the details were placed at the end of the ‘story’. But it’s not just the new club that the papers are giving free advertising to.

Nacho Novo has opened up a bar in the salubrious surroundings of Paisley Road West and needs DJs. Of course, with his connections to Ibrox, Novo ‘said no’ to advertising the positions. Scotland’s newspapers came to the rescue yet again. Mind you, there won’t be much for a DJ to do at this ‘Rangers-themed’ pub; all he needs to do is play an album of Orange tunes on a loop. But at £3.50 a pint at weekends, I can’t see many of the short-arms-deep-pockets Peeppul turning up in droves.

Finally, I was going on about kids being bullied at school in my last post. Some folk, however, no matter how young, deserve all they get. This little cunt should be bullied frequently and ferociously.

“Awright, boaysies? Well, Ah’m no’ bothered any mair aboot any profits frae that book, if it ever appears. Ye’ll no’ believe this, but Billy wiz pyin’ intae an insurance policy oan the fly. Ay’s actually left a big six-figure sum, so the lawyer tells mae. So it’s gonny be a merry Christmas in oor hoose this year. Don’t tell any-y they fuckin’ relatives-y his, though, ur thull aw bae roon’ pittin’ oan a poor mooth!”

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17 thoughts on “MURTY’S FLEXIBLE FRIEND

  1. Well the sun rises and and JJ is off and running with his persecution complex. He is having a pop at Cluster One and SFM for nicking one of his exclusives on the Sevco board changes. The problem is David Low broke the story the day before JJ’s “exclusive ” and was the source of the post on SFM. As to Cluster One passing the story off as his own having read the posts he does no such thing just mentions the facts. JJ is threatening a paywall again and I do wish he would just get on and do it and give us all peace. Phil , SFM etc are all nicking his exclusives according to this fool when in fact anyone that can read and be bothered to trawl the net and wade through the reams of information available can dig up the same stuff . To be fair to Phil he does seem to have some excellent sources and does come up with exclusives from time to time not from a feed from short arsed Jack . If any of you out there is in Belfast could you pop in and see PZJ at this difficult time as I worry about him .

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  2. Just to add to the above David Low has posted information on Twitter about Barry Scott of Ibrox fame this morning . Just more information which may or may not turn up in a JJ exclusive in the morning. David does seem to think there will be some hanky panky at Ibrox before Christmas and given his contacts he is worth listening to . Over to you JJ.

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  3. It’s Christmas time there’s no need to be afraid
    At Christmas time to laugh at Huns and the mess they’ve made
    But in our world of plenty we should spread a smile of joy
    Throw your Hoops scarf round a Hun this Christmas time.

    But say a prayer just to annoy the Hun
    At Christmas time it’s hard not to have some fun
    At the zombie club in Govan in a world of debt and fear
    Where the only cash that’s flowing has flowed out the door for years
    And the diddies that they bring there cannot save them from their doom
    So tonight thank fuck Dave King’s in the Blue Room!

    For there won’t be cash in Sevcoland this Christmas time
    The greatest gift they’ll get next year is life
    Where piles of bills just grow
    No decent players go
    Do they know their old club died at all?

    Here’s to us and to our unbeaten run
    Here’s to them and to their liquidation
    Do they know their old club died at all?

    Tease the Huns, let them know of Dave King’s crimes
    Tease the Huns, let them know of Dave King’s crimes

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh well it was fun while it lasted and my wee pals from Mordor are busy with lots of not very funny or clever jokes about choking on 69. I am too polite to make jokes about fourplay after their record breaking run. Just a shame we had to lose our record to the huns lite and yes they did sing the sevco song book but congratulations to the hearts team on a great result .

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  5. Ach was bad really bad in the end but will give the whole machine the shock it needed to get back in gear- we are tired, leggy And second to everything lately but this is start of the push to a higher gear- expect a Celtic backlash and push to a higher gear Huns can only dream of! One thing though can we please buy or ensure club buys -or the payers boot sponsors buy proper fitba boots? We played in slippers literally today WTF? Our whole team looked like they were bambi on ice and couldn’t get a grip! Minor thing maybe.- but if ya have no confidence in yer bits- then yer not 100%. Might be wrong but I was screaming at us to get a grip on a shitty dancefloor! Never seen so many players make mistakes and on their arse

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  6. Great stuff Pat as per,although I agree with your sentiments re.that wee ?unt,I’m no too sure of your recommendation….
    Robert Fitzpatrick get a grip Bhoy.
    R.St.Parsley excellent ditty,it’ll take a while tae get that ootae ma system.
    As far as the run goes,well,we’ll just start all over again ……tbc.
    Thanks Pat,Happy Holidays to you n yours,and Everyone in The Celtic Family
    HH🍀☮️💚✅🍻🤣

    Liked by 1 person

  7.    What a shambles! Let’s be honest, that display has been on the cards for a while. Ever since the win at Pittodrie the team has been lacklustre. BR’s failure to bring in decent defenders has come back to haunt him. Hopefully, this will shake any complacency out of the squad in time for the Sevco game – imagine if it had happened then!
       Apparently the tifo at Ibrox was meant to show their logo of an angry bear (surprise, surprise) on a union jack background (surprise,  surprise) but the idiots laid out the cards on the wrong seats (surprise, surprise)!

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  8. Yir bang on R.St.,that’s exactly what we said during the match,Anderlecht @CP was very far from pretty too.I’d go as far to say that the worst Euro CL night in Paradise that I’ve personally witnessed.Yesterday’s dismal performance must act as a catalyst for BR to acquire at least two,one young and promising and one experienced,defenders to the squad.Christopher Ajer looks promising also,but the team needs a steadying,learned influence to help at the back.
    I find it hard to believe that somehow their fans with the slightly better brain power somehow managed to screw up placing cards on seats,just shows them up for what we all know they were/are;gullible and thick as mince.
    No doubt it would have looked horrific,even if they’d got it right.
    Awraverybest R.St. over the upcoming Festivities and 2018.
    HH🍀

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  9. It was a flippant comment, if you or any twitter using fans yesterday watched your timeline, you would have seen some right nutters out in force spouting some right shite, my comment is more tongue in cheek

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  10. The need for a cohesive back unit including the keeper is clear. Gordon’s a good stopper but not great at distribution and his organising of back four isn’t best. He’s a bit lax and slow and Boyata isn’t where we wanna be bottom line ( good squad player at best} and Mik is now at the end and his pace was never best Been great Celtic servant so he has. Griffiths needs to concentrate and sharpen his game, Sinclair and Dembele not on form but we still gonna cruise the league for a good many year bar a disaster. I’m not worried – just a form fart and is a wake up call at the right time too👍

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