A PUNNING CLAN

So, Honest Dave has finally acquiesced and promised to make the offer to buy those other shares to avoid going to the chokey. While our media make out that he’s doing it out of the goodness of his heart, anybody that looks closely can see that Dave has a cunning plan.

All along, he’s been saying that this business of having to buy shares has got nothing to do with Neo-Gers; it’s his own, personal problem. Now he’s claiming that there are folk linked to organised crime holding shares in the club. Apparently, as King says, “share offer funds could not be transferred to these four individuals under anti-money laundering legislation”. Presumably, that works both ways and those individuals won’t be allowed to buy more shares either.

A Neo-Gers shareholder, yesterday.

Now, who do we know at Neo-Gers that’s a crook and involved with organised crime? Before you say ‘Big Sandy’, think bigger. What do you think’s going to happen when that crook makes an offer to buy all the shares outwith his concert party? The Neo-Gers board will claim that anti-money laundering legislation means that the crook isn’t allowed to buy more shares. What happens then? Honest Dave will have the Takeover Panel over a barrel. And anybody that thinks the SFA or Police Scotland will do anything about it is seriously deluded.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Oppadoppolous, but that load you took off that Mr. King’s playin’ ‘avoc with the machines!”

Meanwhile, The Peeppul are getting themselves all excited. A 0-0 draw against a poor Villareal side has got them thinking that they’re going to win the UEFA Cup. And, with Celtic playing in the League Cup final on Sunday, they think Hearts is going to lie down and let their team go top of the table. Even if they do manage to go top, however, it won’t be for very long. Sometimes you almost feel sorry for them. Almost.

Speaking of Sunday’s match at Tynecastle, there’s still the threat of everyone’s favourite fascist, Tommy Robinson, turning up. Robinson made a complete arse of himself during the week, claiming the Syrian boy being bullied in an online video deserved everything he got. An even bigger arse, though, was renowned thug Bob Malcolm, who believed Robinson’s shite and was on the bully’s side as well. Once a Hun, always a Hun.

Now, there’s an idea for Neil Lennon to put an end to all the bigotry he suffers at the hands of The Peeppul. All he needs to do is change his first name to Yaxley. It might not make the Huns hate him any less, but it’ll certainly make some of their empty heads explode.

If Robinson does turn up at Tynecastle, he’ll probably be hoping that the Union Bears don’t greet him with an indecipherable tifo. Even The Peeppul themselves don’t understand those ridiculous displays. Some of them were on FollowFollow, asking what Thursday’s effort said. It’s pretty pathetic when even your fellow supporters don’t understand what you’re trying to say. And that wasn’t the only thing The Peeppul were moaning about on Fat Dingwall’s forum.

They were annoyed as hell about the clown that decided to go onto the pitch to attack the linesman. Most of them, though, weren’t so much annoyed at the guy entering the field of play as they were at the fact that he appeared to change his mind about his attack. They were also riled at the security man, who ran half the length of the pitch to grab the invader. According to The Peeppul, it was this guy, doing his job, that was going to bring down the wrath of UEFA for drawing attention to the fact that somebody had invaded the pitch. They’re seriously not right in the skull.

One of them, though, managed to come up with a line worthy of winning Joke of the Year at the Edinburgh Fringe. In fact, it’s too good to be included with that pretentious shite. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Quote of 2018:

“Absolute moron. 100% taig behaviour. If you can’t control yourself because there’s been a red card, you shouldn’t be at the game. ”

Taig behaviour? After all the excuses the polis and everybody else has been making for Huns trying to get onto the pitch to do violence to everybody? It’s the way he tells them!

Apparently, Paul Gascoigne’s Twitter account was hacked and dodgy messages were being sent to young women. That’ll be the same hacker that sexually assaulted a young woman on a train and stood in the middle of the street with his dick hanging out, eh? Aye, the Hall of Fame beckons!

Gazza, yesterday.

Did you see that story about the woman, dragged to religious meetings by her doctor, who ended up having an owl phobia? Now, there’s a debilitating condition, eh? Maybe if she was at fucking Hogwarts! I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen a real, live owl. I hear them, over in the trees when I’m out for a fag but, even when they’re circling overhead screeching their heads off, I can never see them. Hector’s probably got them nesting on his mantelpiece but, for the rest of us, they come out when it’s too dark. Mind you, maybe it’s better to have a phobia of the brutes; they’re evil-looking bastards.

Finally, a wee shout out to Graeme Murty, who is probably already anticipating that phone call yet again. According to Twitter, he has been busy helping to re-decorate a hospital and keeping child patients amused. The guy’s too good to be a Hun!

P.S. I see there was somebody on the telly arguing that they should ban Advent calendars with chocolate behind the doors, since it’s just encouraging children to be greedy, little bastards. She might be heartened to hear of my experience with a spoilt little shit in one of my classes. I always had a chocolate Advent calendar in my class at this time of year and everybody would get a turn at opening one of the doors. On December 1st one year, some of my pupils realised that they’d forgotten to open their own calendars at home. One boy sneeringly said that he’d been given six Advent calendars by aunties and the like. I asked him if he’d opened six doors that morning and he replied that he’d ripped them all open and eaten all the chocolate as soon as he’d got them. You can see where that woman’s coming from!

“Awright, troops? Ah wiz doon the hoaspital iz well this week. Ah wiznae daein’ any decoratin’ ur that, though. Ah wiz fillin’ up boattles wi’ that hand wash stuff ye get ootside the wards. Jist mix it wi’ a bit-a lemonade an’ ye’ve goat the perfect Christmas cargo. The weans love it!”

Details of all my books can be found here:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pat-Anderson/e/B075GL84WM/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_ebooks_1

Billy’s magnum opus is here

https://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B07HGVKC7X

Remember, if you’re skint for any reason, just drop me an e-mail at andrsptr@outlook.com and I’ll send you Kindle copies of any of my books for free.
Nae utility-room owners!

 

17 thoughts on “A PUNNING CLAN

  1. Pat next time youre out for a fag theres an owl whistle you can do and theyll talk back to you and fly down to you within a short distance! Me and my mate used to do it whilst fishing. He had it mastered i was shite at it!

    You’ll prob have torney or little owls, cracking creatures.

    Like

  2. I am sure there are no owls nesting on the mantelpiece as I would notice their tracks in the dust . A hunfest in Edinburgh so a good day to give the city a bodyswerve . I dont know how anyone can take Tommy Robinson seiously as he is just a racist , woman beating petty criminal so I can see why he is a natural fit for Sevco but why the media gives him the time of day is a mystery as Toya used to say . Good luck to Celtic today and for those going to the game stay safe .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Christina, I have tried breaking up posts into bite sized ( see wot I did there) chunks before but by the time you get to send there are usually 2 or 3 other posts in the queue and your posts begin to look disjointed.
    Plus unless you’ve written your thesis in long hand it’s sometimes difficult to keep track of your own argument. More so if you’re like with a memory like a sieve and being a 1 finger 2 hands, elbows and feet to hit space bar / shift / Ctrl buttons sort of typist.
    If you don’t have words on your tablet look for something like Notes or Pages to copy to.

    H.H.

    JimboH

    😎👴😎

    emoji’s on desktop are sh@t
    very limited range.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah thought about that afterwards JimboH (posts getting broken up by others posting) oh well just need to take my chances will look for Notes or whatever on here. Think there is something like that in the compulsory Google apps ie Samsung & Google have apps pre-loaded got on my wick but hey ho! No matter not being on Etims much, though I think they all much better behaved now, so we’ll see when I next try to post! Sorry for earlier posts – in my desire to negate my femme fatale status sounded like a right boring, moaning Minnie ha ha please forgive the whining! Just a wee blip 😂😂😂 thanks for all your advice 😙

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No problem Christina. I can deal with whining I just turn down my hearing aid. It’s the faux indignation and the pregnant silent spell I can’t deal with. You never know when the boom 💥 will drop.

        H.H.
        😎🤓😎
        🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿
        ☘️☘️☘️

        Like

        1. Oh I know the loaded silence tactic very well, this one here is master of the silent treatment! In my younger days bothered me but nowadays couldn’t give a toss- tactic loses its potency when you don’t let it bother you I find 😀gives you time to prepare battle plans anyway 😂😂😂
          Anyway thanks for being understanding not usually a moaner – very sunny wee soul me 😁😁 😙

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Not another bloody trophy! 🏆

    Some assist from Boyata today, (boooo) and wheres this chat about John Mcginn all gone now?

    That Peter Lawell sure knows his stuff.

    Like

  5. Wonder if Paddypower will pay out on Sevco winning the league now as all they have to do to retain their place at the top is to win all their remaining games . Well done to Celtic and sad for Aberdeen that they were put to the sword by the best player at their club for the last two seasons . At least that little shit Logan was left on his arse at the goal and glad to see the Aberdeen manager has lost none of his grace and charm as he sobs we wuz robbed again . I think the strain is starting to tell on my wee pall peezy the auctioneer as he seems to be on a bit of an orgy of blocking Tims from his twitter account . As a self styled fearless seeker of the truth and outer of Tims he just turns out to be another sad little keyboard warrior and rider of dinosaurs . I remember the good old days when Peezy , Bible Bill and even our forensic friend JJ were all the best of pals on Bill’s RSL site. Changed days with JJ in exile from the gangs of loyalist hitmen , Bill keeping his head down and Peezy hiding in the cupboard under the stairs . Not exactly what I thought the master race would look like .

    Liked by 1 person

  6. What a great day 🍻🍻 Boyata man of the match by a long way, broken finger, stitches in his head and he wanted to carry on playing. Which was a blessing for Celtic. If David Beckham had provided that pass Boyata did in a cup final in his day it would still be shown on match of the days all time greatest goals. No doubt his haters will still be quite happy to see him gone even if it means we lost on penalties.
    It’s a sad day for the Huns they were celebrating going top of the league after playing an extra game while Celtic were busy actually winning another cup.
    The Star, The Sun The Record will continue to write about Sevco being Celtic’s closest rivals. In the last seven years there has been 14 cups up for grabs to every club in Scotland, Celtic have won six of them. While winning Seven domestic titles, Sevco have won a big fat ZERO . If thats rivalry, who the Fook are the nonrunners?

    Liked by 3 people

  7. 🍀1898: The first club ever to a full league season unbeaten. ✅

    🍀1917: First team ever to go 62 domestic
    games unbeaten ✅

    🍀 1937: Highest ever attendance for any club match played in Europe vs Aberdeen Scot Cup Final (148,000) ✅

    🍀1957: First Club to win a cup final 7-1 ✅

    🍀1967: first club in UK and First non Latin club to win the European Cup. ✅

    🍀1967: First club ever to win the European Cup only using homegrown players ✅

    🍀1967: First club ever to win a clean sweep of all domestic and European trophies ✅

    🍀 1970: Biggest ever attendance for any match ever in European competition vs Leeds Utd European Cup semi-final (135,000) ✅

    🍀1974: first club to win 9 league titles in a row ✅

    🍀2001: First club in UK to win over 100 points in a league season ✅

    🍀2017: First club in uk to go a full domestic season (including cups) unbeaten ✅

    🍀2017: First club in the UK to go 69 domestic games unbeaten ✅

    🍀2018: First club ever to win a double treble in Scotland in consecutive seasons ✅

    🍀 2018: First club ever to win seven consecutive domestic trophies in two years -winning 23 cup games on the spin ✅

    Celtic FC history makers again 2018/19 🍀

    Liked by 5 people

  8. Hi Pat and thanks for the laughter again,your articles seem,well,to me anyway,just arrive bang on time to cheer me up,that’s very fortuitous and delivers the perfect tonic tae my ennui.
    Here‼️Gaza’s looking good,that trench coat not only suits him,it’ll come in handy when he’s oot flashing his bits,feqn Rsole.Robinson is barely worth passing comment oan.I saw a video where there’s wan ae his lot outside a supermarket,wae the swastika tattoo n armband,well he’s confronted wae a big dark coloured chap who is quite obviously saying something like,’go on repeat what you said’ and the smaller fella wae the tats is pleading his case for mercy,hands up in a defensive position.Well,he opens his chops and the bigger black guy just wipes him out cold wae wan punch.✅For me it would be totally justified IF that RINGPULL robinson goat the nick,well it wid only be right and fitting if he was two-ed up wae that big dark chap,it wid save him scouring the place for that waste of fresh air.So tae me that makes perfect sense,the turnkeys wid only need tae mop oot wan cell rather than wasting the tax payers money mopping oot aw different parts ae the nick.
    Pat IF yiv any of that Blue Stratos left it also works well as a cocktail,a FUQN Molotov cocktail.
    CHEERS PAT 🍻 and more power tae his elbow.
    I forgot earlier,please excuse me,was trying to get those stats bang on,hope you All enjoyed reading them.
    HH🍀💚✅🇮🇪☮️🇯🇲🍺✈️⚽️🍻🍾💚✅🍀

    Liked by 2 people

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