I hope everybody had a happy Christmas; The Peeppul’s festive season certainly isn’t going according to plan. They were absolutely shite on Boxing Day and were practically run ragged by Hibs. Morelos’s ‘great goal’ came from a howler of a mistake and his ‘clinical finish’ could have been achieved by anyone. And that was their only effort that was on target, showing how poor they actually are. It was lucky for Hibs that they scored the equaliser right at the end, making it far too late for Andrew Dallas to equalise things by sending off somebody in green.
Despite being pish, The Peeppul can be assured that Saturday is going to be their best ever chance of beating Celtic. The SFA has made sure that all the forces of darkness will be ranged against Celtic at Ibrox. First off, the man in the middle is John Beaton, who has shown his pro-Neo-Gers and anti-Celtic agenda on a few occasions. Then there’s smarmy, little shit, Douglas Ross, running the line.
“Red card! Red card! (Squawk!) Red card! Red card! (Squawk!)”
And there’s Saturday’s fourth official, Brother Boabby Madden, who’s still waiting for a pay-out from BDO for his Ibrox debenture.
Brother Boabby, yesterday.
The Ibrox Board, with the willing help of the SFA, has infiltrated somebody into Celtic’s training ground at Lennonxtown and he’s been busy for weeks collecting hair, bits of dandruff, spit, snotters and anything else he could get his hands on. A team of African witchdoctors and Haitian Voodoo priests and priestesses will be on hand at Ibrox, sticking pins into effigies of the Celtic players. Meanwhile, a group of Satanists will be conducting a ceremony in the Blue Room, calling on the services of Beelzebub himself to ensure a Neo-Gers victory.
Even with the aid of all the denizens of the Underworld, Celtic will still prove too strong for the Ibrox team. At the start of the game, there will be a small number of Celtic fans, whose voices will be drowned out by rousing choruses of the Billy Boys and the Famine Song. By the end of the match, though, the support of Celtic will outnumber that of Neo-Gers!
The Peeppul, of course, will not be taking part in any mumbo-jumbo; they believe in sticking to their tried-and-trusted methods. You won’t catch them throwing good money after bad; they’d rather throw it at the Celtic players. Meanwhile, those poor Celtic supporters will probably have all manners thrown at them.
Willie Collum was looking for a bit of rehabilitation in the eyes of Hundom on Boxing Day. It would appear that there could be no arguing with Aberdeen’s first penalty but, while everybody was concentrating on Izaguirre’s ‘tackle’, I couldn’t help noticing that McGinn looked offside when he received the pass. I could be wrong, but it certainly looked that way to me. The second penalty was a blatant dive and Collum should be ashamed of himself for being conned like that; assuming, of course, that he was conned and not complicit. As for McGinn’s attempted leg break, I’ve seen some folk arguing that he slipped. So what? He was flying in with the studs before he slipped, so the intent was there. I wonder if Collum’s efforts will entitle him to referee another Neo-Gers match.
Mind you, he wasn’t any worse than the commentators on BT Sports. I’m not the first to comment on all their ‘as it stands’ shite. They appeared to be desperate for Neo-Gers to be top of the league going into the winter break. The most pathetic piece of wishful thinking, though, came at the end of Celtic’s match, when they said that Neo-Gers could still go top if they beat Celtic by more than four goals. Good luck with that one!
The Daily Record was trying to boost the feel-good factor a bit with a headline that promised some fantastic news: “Rangers’ creditors handed £1million Christmas bonus from HMRC.” That figure, however, is a drop in the ocean. There are so many creditors, including Madden and the rest of the Debenture Mob, that each creditor will receive an extra couple of pence in the pound. Don’t spend it all at once!
In a way, this is similar to the way the DR presents the story about £60m being spent on supply teachers. It, along with the EIS, is blaming the Scottish Government for not doing enough to recruit permanent teachers. This, however, is a load of pish. It was after I left teaching that the EIS agreed to a new pay structure that was detrimental to teachers. It used to be that supply teachers were paid the same daily rate as permanent ones. That has now changed and supply teachers receive a lesser rate. That’s why councils are employing supply staff – it’s cheaper. Meanwhile, I’m willing to bet that there are qualified teachers out there that can’t get a permanent job. As usual, the DR and the Labour-supporting EIS are nothing but lying hypocrites.
Alfredo Morelos, apparently, is expecting bids to come flooding in for him during the January window. Obviously, he’s letting the fawning attitude of Scotland’s media go to his head. Why would any English team with money to burn even consider him; what has he achieved? Yes, he’s scored 20 goals so far this season, but they were all against teams in the lower half of the table or that were going through a bad patch. And one of those goals, remember, was against second-tier club Ayr United. He’s never scored against Celtic and, so far this season, he has failed to score against Aberdeen or Hibs, apart from a goal that was gifted to him on Boxing Day.
He completely failed to shine in Europe. He managed two goals in the qualifying rounds and the same amount in the Europa League proper. Even then, he only scored against Rapid Vienna. Neo-Gers’ rivals in the Europa League, if you recall, were going through rough patches, stuck in the bottom halves of their leagues and managers being sacked etc. And, yet, he couldn’t score against any of them. He’s hardly the ‘goal machine’ the Scottish media makes out. Somehow, I doubt there’s going to be a bidding war for him in January, especially given his discipline problems.
There were a couple of other stories in the DR that got me thinking. One was about the strange objects removed from people’s bodies by surgeons. I couldn’t help but notice the absence of Honest Dave’s colon, which needs the tongues of the members of the Scottish sports media removed from it. The other story was about toddlers embarrassing their parents. The examples given by the DR, such as “My mummy likes wine”, were hardly what you’d call cringe-worthy. I’m sure we’ve all got better stories than that.
My daughter once pointed proudly to the purple cycle helmet on her head in a crowded supermarket and asked me, loudly of course, if I had a purple helmet. She also liked to repeat things that we said at inappropriate moments, like when we were at McDonalds in East Kilbride. I was in the toilet for ages, fighting with the new-fangled sink, where you had to put your hands in one place for soap, another for water and then another for hot air. It took me a while to get the hang of it. When I emerged, my daughter shouted across the restaurant, “Hey, Dad! Were you away for a Jimmy White?”
The best, though, was when she was at a playgroup in the Free Church hall in King’s Park. The carers employed the usual euphemisms when speaking to the children, telling boys to “put their wee sword away” when they finished the toilet. They had a party before they stopped for the summer and the minister performed his party-piece of making balloon shapes. We went to collect Nicola at the end and she was walking about awkwardly, a long balloon protruding between her legs, announcing that the minister had made her a ‘big sword’!
I see there’s a lot of hype surrounding the Netflix film Bird Box, with folk apparently saying how scary it is. Not that I’m going out of my way to spoil things for anybody that hasn’t seen it yet, but it’s a pile of shite. If you’ve seen The Happening, then you’ve seen Bird Box; that’s all I’m saying. Right, I’m away to watch that new, interactive Black Mirror episode. And, hopefully, I’ll be awake to see the game tomorrow!
“Awright, troops? That wee prick Collum kin get tae fuck. If ay really waanted tae help the cause, ay’d’ve gied the sheep-shaggers another penalty efter each wan-y they’re goals. Ah’m lookin’ forward tae the game the morra an’ Ah cannae wait tae cheer Mr. Gerrard an’ ays team aff the pitch efter a victory against theym. Jist in case, though, Ah’ll hiv a folded bedsheet stuffed up ma jook, wi’ “Sack Gerrard” painted oan it. Ah hope Ah wullnae need it, but ye’ve goat tae foally the Raynjurz motto, in’t ye – “Ready”!”