Everybody remembers that bit in Braveheart where all the Scots bend over and lift their kilts to show the English their bare arses. That’s what the weekend there was all about; a big GIRFUY to Celtic and anybody else that thinks favouritism, bias and downright cheating need to be expunged from our game. It was a demonstration, saying, “Fuck you, fuck your Resolution 12 and we’re going to do what we fucking well like!” It was also a demonstration to The People, telling them not to worry because the SFA have their back.
“Wur gonny shite aw ower yez!”
It all comes down to Celtic having the absolute gall to question Cheatin’ Beaton’s decision making. All they did was request some answers; well, they’ve certainly got their answers now. Meanwhile, it’s going to be open season on Celtic players, who can be kicked up and down the pitch with impunity. That so-called tackle on Edouard was shocking and it’s unbelievable that it didn’t result in a penalty and a red card. Then again, it’s entirely believable. Collum is obviously desperate to get back in the Huns’ good books and the guy running the line was the Moray Lavvy Opener.
Of course, we won’t hear about any of this in our media. They are in thrall to The Peeppul as much as the SFA is. Most of those in the media are Huns themselves, as are those in the corridors of power at Hampden. There are a couple of voices in the wilderness, like Chris Sutton, but they are drowned out by all the others, including folk that used to play for Celtic. There’s a famous pictorial representation of this phenomenon by Andy Warhol. It’s called ‘Ex-Celts in the Media’.
There’s a quote from Jock Stein doing the rounds, along the lines of if you’re good enough, the referee doesn’t matter. In most cases, such as Sunday’s game against St Johnstone, this adage holds true, since the officials can’t make it too blatant. But anyone that thinks a referee is incapable of handing a match to a team is kidding nobody but himself. Saturday’s game at Ibrox was a prime example but some folk think all the opposition needs to do is score more goals. That, however, is not always possible.
Cast your mind back to the 2nd of May 1999, to that game at Celtic Park where Hugh Dallas stuck the heid on a pound coin. If you remember, Rangers were 2 up at half-time, the second goal coming from a penalty for an incident that only Dallas saw. During the second half, Celtic were all over the Huns but Dallas was undaunted. Every time Celtic mounted an attack and were almost through on goal, they were dragged back to take a free kick for some non-existent foul. Rangers were then able to pack the defence. The Daily Record, later in the week, analysed the match to disprove Celtic supporters’ theories about cheating. Surprise! Celtic had got far more free kicks than Rangers, which the DR said proved that he had actually favoured the Bhoys!
With the weekend’s displays, all pretence about ‘even playing-fields’ and ‘things evening themselves out’ has been abandoned. I’m willing to bet that Dallas the Hunling will take charge of the next Neo-Gers match at Celtic Park and he’ll be ‘Ready’ to follow his old man’s example.
Remember El Guffalo making a grab for Ryan Christie’s knackers? That behaviour is beginning to make sense now with the news that Vinnie Jones is getting fed up with Huns wanting him to grab their goolies, Paul Gascoigne-style, as they get their picture taken. I thought maybe this was some mad, Protestant thing but I believe El Guffalo is a Catholic. It’s obviously some kind of initiation rite for The Peeppul. Either you have to grab somebody’s baw-sack, or let somebody grab yours, to become a fully-fledged Hun.
Christ, every time I read, watch or listen to any of the mainstream media I become more convinced that the whole world is going insane. More than one commentator has suggested the Irish Republic re-joining the UK and there’s even an online petition calling for it. Are they fucking joking? It’s all those stupid Brexiteers, convinced that the British Empire is on its way back. They honestly think everyone’s going to be clamouring for ‘Bwana’ to return and rule their lives. The Irish will come crawling back first and then India, Pakistan and Bangladesh will then want the Raj back, each area getting the big house ready for the return of ‘Sahib’ and the ‘Mem-Sahib’. Fucking bonkers the lot of them!
Meanwhile, plans are in place to spirit the Auld Hausfrau, Lizzie Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, out of the country when the expected post-Brexit riots occur. Now, anybody with any modicum of sense would think that anything that’s going to lead to violence on the streets is maybe not the best course of action to pursue. The Brave Brexiteers, however, are determined. Like I said, fucking bonkers!
And now there are folk out there complaining that Mary Poppins is racist. There’s an old geezer in the film that sees the chimney sweeps prancing about on the roofs and starts shouting about ‘Hottentots attacking’. Now, that’s racist. On the other hand, Mary Poppins putting soot on her nose isn’t. It really isn’t. I know these folk mean well but when they start spouting shite like this it means that nobody’s going to listen when they have something really bad to moan about. God, if we were to listen to them we’d be accusing everybody. Weans are generally not very good at staying clean and when I was a teacher some of them would come in after playtime with dirt smeared on their cheeks. Can you imagine me pointing to the door and shouting, “Get out of my class, you racist, little cunt!”?
Finally, Der Fuhrer is just as insane as any Brexiteer. She comes back from walking the dog to tell me how she ignored the next-door neighbour because he’s one of those types that thinks he knows everything. The young woman across the street is a ‘stuck-up cow’, while our neighbour on the other side is a ‘fucking old weirdo’. Then there’s the ones that stay the other side of the green out the back; they look like junkies. In fact, she doesn’t like any of our neighbours at all. Why? Here comes the punchline. “Ah wiz talkin’ tae that wummin a couple-a streets doon wi’ the Springer Spaniel an’ wae baith agreed whit’s wrang wi’ thum aw roon’ here – thur too judgmental!”
“Awright, troops? Ah’ll fuckin’ tell yez what’s racist – theym throwin’ bananas it Mark Walters. An’ a see the SFA an’ thur offishulls hiv stull goat it in fur us. Ah mean, four penalties? Wae should’ve hud aboot seven ur eight. Cheatin’ basturts.”
Details of all my books can be found here:
Billy’s magnum opus is here
Remember, if you’re skint for any reason, just drop me an e-mail at email@example.com and I’ll send you Kindle copies of any of my books for free.