Back in my teaching days, I usually had at least one problem child in my class. There were children with ADD or ADHD, who were usually sorted out with appropriate medication. I also had a couple of kids that were borderline autistic, who found mainstream school extremely difficult. Then there were the ones with problems at home. Children like to wind each other up, saying things like, “Yer maw’s a junkie!” Unfortunately, some children’s maws were junkies and they’d react like you might expect. Aye, all in a day’s work.

There were always those children, though, that had no excuse for their behaviour. They were simply evil little fuckers. Not to their mothers (and it was always mothers) they weren’t. As well as dealing with Satan incarnate in your class, you’d have to put up every day with the little cunt’s mother coming in to complain about their little darling being bullied by the others in the school and being picked on by the staff. The boy (as it usually was) never learned how to behave appropriately since his mother was always there to blame everybody else and even give him treats to make up for the way he was being treated at school. Now, those were the occasions when a tawse would have been useful; for the mother, not the boy.

Warbs has come crawling out from whatever cave he’s been hiding in to opine that Daniel Defoe will ‘nurture’ El Guffalo and help him to ‘calm down’. Is he fucking joking? Just like the reprobates I had to deal with, Morelos has got plenty of folk telling him that he’s done nothing wrong. The very fact that the club appealed his red card shows that they condone his disgusting behaviour. We’ve got Sperm Heid telling us that El Guffalo was simply trying to get out of the way. I’m sure we’ve all been in that position; having to stamp on somebody’s family jewels to propel yourself away from trouble. The Peeppul too are all behind Morelos, talking about how he, and all Neo-Gers players are being singled out. How is anybody meant to calm this thug down when he’s got all that support egging him on? Besides, Defoe has already shown that he’s adapted to the Ibrox culture almost immediately with his dive for a penalty.

Breid Man pic of the day.

[With apologies to Tony K (@oakroyd)]

Sperm Heid also made excuses for Allan McGregor’s thuggishness, claiming, incredibly, that he had curled himself into a ball to protect himself. Eh? Did McAllister even see the incident? The Peeppul on Hun Media, meanwhile, are saying that McGregor simply slid to catch the ball and Ferguson ran into his foot. I mean, for fuck’s sake! They’re also talking about ‘level playing fields’ again, moaning about how hard-done-by they are. They’ve got some fucking brass necks!

And they’re absolutely raging about El Guffalo’s ban being upheld. In their eyes, the Compliance Officer should be more, well…er…compliant. “What the fuck diz a wummin know aboot fitba’ anywye?” seems to be the general consensus. Presumably they haven’t found out what school she went to yet. It’s not easy trying to work the touch screen on your phone with hooves.

“But…but…but…what aboot theym?” is another cry. They’re going on about some Scott Brown challenge that I’ve neither seen nor heard about. But, apparently, that’s all down to our biased media…oops…sorry…mhedia. The BhBC, the Dhaily Rhecord and the rhest have all got it in for Rhaynjurz…sorry…Raynjurz. How come nobody’s all over Simunovic’s elbow? And what about Oliver Burke diving in the box? The Peeppul are so used to everything going their way they simply can’t accept it when the SFA finally get round to doing the job they’re supposed to do.

Speaking of brass necks, as I was, what about the BBC ‘investigating’ how that Orange bastard and UKIP candidate manqué managed to get onto Question Time on four separate occasions. Apparently, the wee shit got in before the rest of the audience in Motherwell and was seated down the front after having a chat with some of the ones on the panel. Not much investigating needed there; he was obviously an invited guest; he probably didn’t even need to apply. According to somebody on Twitter, his son was there as well, seated behind him. (How do these cunts manage to breed? It doesn’t bear thinking about.) The son got to ask a question/make a comment too.

“Yer ‘avvin’ a larf, entchar!”

I used to enjoy Question Time back in the time of Robin Day, but when Dimbleby took over it became more and more of a propaganda tool. I haven’t seen it for years and if weren’t for Twitter I wouldn’t have known that Fiona Bruce had taken over the chair. From the bits I’ve seen online, it’s like the Nuremberg Rally every week.

I see the Aberdeen Ball Fondler has denied that he was up to any hanky-panky in that Westminster bar. Of course, he was bound to come out with something like that. You could hardly expect him to say, “I couldn’t believe the size of that boabby when I put my hand down that guy’s breeks!” Never mind. I’m sure the Ball Fondler wing of the Union We Don’t Care Bears will organise a Tifo in his support. Not that he’ll know; he, along with everybody else, won’t be able to read the bloody thing!

I’ve learned a new word on my trawls through the mhedia…I mean media. I was reading about some woman that discovered on her wedding night that her husband had a micropenis. It’s pretty easy to guess what that is, but I Googled it anyway and it’s exactly what it says on the tin. If you still don’t get it, then just imagine Ross Thomson coming out of Strangers bar with a disappointed look on his face. Weirdly, though, the first image that came to my mind when I saw the word was this one:

“Anybody got any lavvies that need opening?”

The Ned’s Ned, and devoted family man, Barry Ferguson, was in the Daily Record singing the praises of El Guffalo. It seems that acting like a fucking animal is a great thing because it shows he’s got ‘fire in his belly’. Strangely, he’s got nothing whatever to say about the assault on his nephew. Apparently, being ‘loyal’ down Ibrox way doesn’t extend to one’s family.

Finally, a last word from The Peeppul about the way they’ve been ‘cheated’. I don’t think this guy’s got a very firm grasp on reality with this comment: “Look where dignified silence and bridge building got us…” It’s the way they tell ’em.

“Awright, troops? Thhe fhuckin’ ShFA ihs ghettin’ bheyond ah fhuckin’ jhoke. That’s three games Morelos hiz goat tae miss, jist because the Tarriers hate um. It’s trial bae fhuckin’ mhedia. Wae’ve goat tae staun’ up tae this blatant chheatin’. Ah feel another Union Bears award-winnin’ tifo comin’ up. Oh, an’ thhat fhat chunt Ahshley kin get tae fuck anaw!”

Details of all my books can be found here:


Billy’s magnum opus is here


Remember, if you’re skint for any reason, just drop me an e-mail at andrsptr@outlook.com and I’ll send you Kindle copies of any of my books for free.


27 thoughts on “IHT’S NHO’ FHAIR!

  1. The cock handler fellers excuse reminds me of those people who always used to say their twitter account got hacked dont hear that much these days as it was bollocks!

    Theres a documentary on a micropenis feller it may be on netflix and defo on youtube, i think hes called ‘Bop’ and its worth a watch, he’s happy about it and discusses it all, its about 1/16th of an inch erect which ive no idea wht that is in mm or cm’s but hes having no fun with that.

    As for Morelos its 1-0 to everybody else, theyll never learn or change suits me expect another red or two for him before the seasons out.


  2. OK Pat great read as usual have had no Internet for a few months due to being being unemployed ,back in the land of the waged as that nutbar JJ says ,I was telling my partner about the micropenis guy and how lucky she was I didn’t have that and she said its still not happening!! Ah well at least I can look forward to my birthday in October!! HH


  3. So Billy gate is still with us and as you would expect the Fireguard Bears , the Care Bears and all the other loons are jumping on it defending their cultuuur . The whole thing could have been avoided by sticking the little shit on the panel as a failed UKIPer which is what he is rather than pretending he is just a punter and giving him unfair access to the studio and the panel . Wee Billy’s Facebook page has been gone over and the pictures of him in his England strip and union Jack supporting England at the world cup suggest he is at best a mixed up little soul . How the little drummer boy pays for all his trips abroad would be interesting to find out .


  4. Well that’s the draw done. Its actually really sad that the officials for the Celtic Vrs Hibs and the Aberdeen Vrs killy or Newco is actually going to be more interesting than the draw itself.


  5. Does anybody follow ‘The Clumpany’ ?

    If so whats happened to him? I followed him years back and was always convinced he was ‘Jake the Snake’ for the early twitter followers that was a belter of an account, and his language was more or less the same as Clumps. No idea if they were one and the same. I ended up stopping following him due to his love in with Phil Mac, it all got a bit strange.

    AT if you’re out there, this could be the conspiracy for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I believe I actually know who he is, he has another account which I thought was him. The guy I believed was him was ill for a while a few months ago, at just the exact same time that The Clumpany had stopped tweeting so that more or less confirmed it for me.
      Then when he was better TC turned up again out of the blue! If I am right (which my wife will tell you I never am) then he seems a bit tired up with Brexit on his mind atm.


        1. Had to go and look to see who James Doleman is! Cant find him.
          I wouldn’t give any names. This place is full of huns lurking. If they got a name knowing them dirty scum bastards one of them would probably attack him with a knife like they did with the fans in the euro. I’ll make this clear they guys I think it is, is not James Doleman.


  6. Pat,
    My first High school was a real challenge i recall, i wasn’t settled at home & i took my frustrations out in the classroom.
    It wasn’t premeditated, it just came out in the class, cheeky cunt i was.
    Anyway i got expelled six weeks into second year, which was a fucking blessing.
    At my second High school i completely settled down & managed to make the most of School.
    While i should take some credit for sorting myself out, i felt there was a difference in the teachers, there was a few of them real characters.
    Great days & i wish i could go back & do it again, only this time fucking behave myself.
    If i was in your class i’d be the one you sent out into the corridor, i spent a lot of time out there.


  7. Spare a thought for the hordes of Mordor at this difficult time of the year . It is the 7th anniversary of their former club entering administration leading to liquidation and the SFA has banned a couple of their more thuggish players so the orcs are not all that happy . Also at this time of the year it is the birthday of Charles Darwin who is not universally liked by the Dino jockeys of the DUP and the other assorted nut jobs that still cling to the dead club . JJ has the news that The Rangers have just lost another court case costing more legal fees and this report should be accurate as it likely comes from the PR firm that feeds our forencic friend . The papes report that the Easdale boys want to sell their shares to DK so they could at last get clear of the mess that is Sevco . The Tims had a lot of fun when the Easdales joined the board but with hindsight it looks like they did their best for the club and all they got was abuse and scorn for their efforts . All the crap they got from the likes of the Sons of Struth yet the brothers handled themselves with dignity compared to the rabble . Big night tonight at Celtic Park so enjoy .


  8. Omg I just somehow ended up on Phil’s blog which I have not been since GKW. It’s the exact same shit as he was going on about 18 months ago. Sevco have no money dear reader. They are skint dear reader Celtic have all the money in the world dear reader. What a fucking load of crap. He has been coming out with it for years now yet they stumble on. Everyone and their dog know they are skint. Then something happens out of the blue with them he will pretend he already knew before it happened. He is as informed about sevco as I am about brain surgery. Let it go Phil. You got lucky once but you are now irrelevant.


    1. They dint have money and they keep getting bailed out its a oerfect normal scenario. Comes down to the personal wealth of individuals, itll end somewhere.

      AT i know youre out there, im pottering about in Glasgow if you fancy a pint, we can even talk about flat earth theory.


  9. Once again Brendan Rodgers is found out in Europe. The man just doesn’t have a fucking clue. Burke up front on his own?? I mean what the actual fuck! It really begs the question. Why the fuck are we paying this man 2 million a year if our only ambition is to win ten in a row. Gordon Strachan or Neil Lennon are far far superior to Rodgers when Europe is concerned.
    I’m not actually bothered that we lost but that was not a good team that beat us. We must have played some of our worst European football in the history of the club under Rodgers. It’s like before each game he tells every player how useless they are and ye shouldn’t even be playing at this level. Any bit of a test we get from an above average team, we come out have a ten minute good spell then totally shit ourselves.
    But Burke up front on his own! What the fuck was that all about. That was putting enormous pressure on a team that already have a questionable and error prone defense at the best of times.


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