IHT’S NHO’ FHAIR!

Back in my teaching days, I usually had at least one problem child in my class. There were children with ADD or ADHD, who were usually sorted out with appropriate medication. I also had a couple of kids that were borderline autistic, who found mainstream school extremely difficult. Then there were the ones with problems at home. Children like to wind each other up, saying things like, “Yer maw’s a junkie!” Unfortunately, some children’s maws were junkies and they’d react like you might expect. Aye, all in a day’s work.

There were always those children, though, that had no excuse for their behaviour. They were simply evil little fuckers. Not to their mothers (and it was always mothers) they weren’t. As well as dealing with Satan incarnate in your class, you’d have to put up every day with the little cunt’s mother coming in to complain about their little darling being bullied by the others in the school and being picked on by the staff. The boy (as it usually was) never learned how to behave appropriately since his mother was always there to blame everybody else and even give him treats to make up for the way he was being treated at school. Now, those were the occasions when a tawse would have been useful; for the mother, not the boy.

Warbs has come crawling out from whatever cave he’s been hiding in to opine that Daniel Defoe will ‘nurture’ El Guffalo and help him to ‘calm down’. Is he fucking joking? Just like the reprobates I had to deal with, Morelos has got plenty of folk telling him that he’s done nothing wrong. The very fact that the club appealed his red card shows that they condone his disgusting behaviour. We’ve got Sperm Heid telling us that El Guffalo was simply trying to get out of the way. I’m sure we’ve all been in that position; having to stamp on somebody’s family jewels to propel yourself away from trouble. The Peeppul too are all behind Morelos, talking about how he, and all Neo-Gers players are being singled out. How is anybody meant to calm this thug down when he’s got all that support egging him on? Besides, Defoe has already shown that he’s adapted to the Ibrox culture almost immediately with his dive for a penalty.

Breid Man pic of the day.

[With apologies to Tony K (@oakroyd)]

Sperm Heid also made excuses for Allan McGregor’s thuggishness, claiming, incredibly, that he had curled himself into a ball to protect himself. Eh? Did McAllister even see the incident? The Peeppul on Hun Media, meanwhile, are saying that McGregor simply slid to catch the ball and Ferguson ran into his foot. I mean, for fuck’s sake! They’re also talking about ‘level playing fields’ again, moaning about how hard-done-by they are. They’ve got some fucking brass necks!

And they’re absolutely raging about El Guffalo’s ban being upheld. In their eyes, the Compliance Officer should be more, well…er…compliant. “What the fuck diz a wummin know aboot fitba’ anywye?” seems to be the general consensus. Presumably they haven’t found out what school she went to yet. It’s not easy trying to work the touch screen on your phone with hooves.

“But…but…but…what aboot theym?” is another cry. They’re going on about some Scott Brown challenge that I’ve neither seen nor heard about. But, apparently, that’s all down to our biased media…oops…sorry…mhedia. The BhBC, the Dhaily Rhecord and the rhest have all got it in for Rhaynjurz…sorry…Raynjurz. How come nobody’s all over Simunovic’s elbow? And what about Oliver Burke diving in the box? The Peeppul are so used to everything going their way they simply can’t accept it when the SFA finally get round to doing the job they’re supposed to do.

Speaking of brass necks, as I was, what about the BBC ‘investigating’ how that Orange bastard and UKIP candidate manqué managed to get onto Question Time on four separate occasions. Apparently, the wee shit got in before the rest of the audience in Motherwell and was seated down the front after having a chat with some of the ones on the panel. Not much investigating needed there; he was obviously an invited guest; he probably didn’t even need to apply. According to somebody on Twitter, his son was there as well, seated behind him. (How do these cunts manage to breed? It doesn’t bear thinking about.) The son got to ask a question/make a comment too.

“Yer ‘avvin’ a larf, entchar!”

I used to enjoy Question Time back in the time of Robin Day, but when Dimbleby took over it became more and more of a propaganda tool. I haven’t seen it for years and if weren’t for Twitter I wouldn’t have known that Fiona Bruce had taken over the chair. From the bits I’ve seen online, it’s like the Nuremberg Rally every week.

I see the Aberdeen Ball Fondler has denied that he was up to any hanky-panky in that Westminster bar. Of course, he was bound to come out with something like that. You could hardly expect him to say, “I couldn’t believe the size of that boabby when I put my hand down that guy’s breeks!” Never mind. I’m sure the Ball Fondler wing of the Union We Don’t Care Bears will organise a Tifo in his support. Not that he’ll know; he, along with everybody else, won’t be able to read the bloody thing!

I’ve learned a new word on my trawls through the mhedia…I mean media. I was reading about some woman that discovered on her wedding night that her husband had a micropenis. It’s pretty easy to guess what that is, but I Googled it anyway and it’s exactly what it says on the tin. If you still don’t get it, then just imagine Ross Thomson coming out of Strangers bar with a disappointed look on his face. Weirdly, though, the first image that came to my mind when I saw the word was this one:

“Anybody got any lavvies that need opening?”

The Ned’s Ned, and devoted family man, Barry Ferguson, was in the Daily Record singing the praises of El Guffalo. It seems that acting like a fucking animal is a great thing because it shows he’s got ‘fire in his belly’. Strangely, he’s got nothing whatever to say about the assault on his nephew. Apparently, being ‘loyal’ down Ibrox way doesn’t extend to one’s family.

Finally, a last word from The Peeppul about the way they’ve been ‘cheated’. I don’t think this guy’s got a very firm grasp on reality with this comment: “Look where dignified silence and bridge building got us…” It’s the way they tell ’em.

“Awright, troops? Thhe fhuckin’ ShFA ihs ghettin’ bheyond ah fhuckin’ jhoke. That’s three games Morelos hiz goat tae miss, jist because the Tarriers hate um. It’s trial bae fhuckin’ mhedia. Wae’ve goat tae staun’ up tae this blatant chheatin’. Ah feel another Union Bears award-winnin’ tifo comin’ up. Oh, an’ thhat fhat chunt Ahshley kin get tae fuck anaw!”

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