MUCHOS CULOS

I see the Daily Record is already beating the drum for El Guffalo being Player of the Year. He’ll probably end up being the ‘Sportswriters’ Player of the Year; the agnivores, as usual, will do what Jabba tells them. As to the Players’ Player of the Year, though, he hasn’t got a chance. When it comes to the vote, players will all be rubbing their cuts, bruises and sore baws and then voting for somebody else; anybody else.

Meanwhile, the Twenty-Million-Yuan Man has been making a complete arse of himself, hardly managing a shot on target and missing open goals. I don’t know what the Colombians make of him, but you can be damn sure the agnivores won’t be telling us the truth. You can just imagine some Colombian journalist describing him as, ‘Un loco con culo gordo.’ That would appear in the Scottish press as him being described as, ‘A speeding train, conning all the defenders and a cool dude as well.’

El Guffalo gets comforted by his maw.

A spanner’s been thrown into the works of Hun Media and Follow Follow. Although most of them wouldn’t come straight out and say that Auld Sperm Heid had been attacked by a Celtic supporter, they were all going on about the times they were attacked by ‘cowardly, Tarrier scum’. Now that it’s emerged that the perpetrator was some random arsehole, with an American accent and that he attacked other people as well, the poor Huns are lost for words. Well, not all of them. One of them actually suggested that it was a ‘Taig impersonating an American’. God Almighty!

“Has anybody found a sed-of knuckledusters in the Leeds area? An’ I ain’t Amurcan; I’m Scaddish!”

The things the Daily Record considers news! Apparently, Sooperally can’t stand looking at Celtic Park and always looks in the opposite direction when he passes it on the motorway. What a sad bastard! And a stupid one as well. You’re supposed to keep your eyes on the road ahead, ya silly cunt! No wonder he’s been up in court for driving offences.

“Here, what’s that next tae Sellick Park? It’s a fuckin’ burger van! Yaaaaassss!”

While there are plenty of folk in England that wish Nicola Sturgeon were Prime Minister and even those in the English media praising her, there are still arseholes in Scotland ready to put the boot in for the least wee thing. The latest gripe is that she had her picture taken with somebody that’s, apparently, a war criminal. I can’t for the life of me remember who it was and I can’t find it anywhere either. The thing is, though, can you imagine the furore coming from the same folk if she’d said, “Piss off, ya wank. Ah’m no’ gettin’ ma photie taken wi’ you!”?

Pretty much on the same subject is Stuart Campbell, of Wings Over Scotland fame, suing Kezia Dugdale for calling him a homophobe. What he actually said was, “Oliver Mundell is the sort of public speaker that makes you wish his dad embraced his homosexuality sooner.” And that’s what Kezia and others found offensive. You can’t win. What if he’d said, “Oliver Mundell is a good advert for abortion.” Pro-Lifers would be up in arms. Or, what if somebody was to suggest that Jacob Rees-Mogg’s old man should have used a condom? Er…the man was a Catholic – more offence. Probably the best thing to do in these circumstances is just to call the man a cunt. Nobody can object to that, surely?

Mind you, it’s worth bearing in mind that the man that’s allegedly been homophobically insulted, David Mundell, didn’t come out of the closet until he was nearly 54. Fair enough, that was his decision and it’s doubtful he’d have had any success as a Tory politician if he’d come out earlier. But, and its a big but, when the Scottish Parliament voted to do away with the infamous Clause 28, Mundell voted against it. He was perfectly happy to ban councils from promoting homosexuality as normal, which, in many cases, meant funding being stopped for gay support groups and also meant the media could continue with a lot of its traditional hatreds. Now, that’s what you call homophobic and fucking hypocrisy to boot!

“Homerphobic? Moi? Nonsense! I’ve read the Iliad five times, I’ll have you know!”

Surprise! Surprise! The referee for Sunday’s match is Brother Boabby. Folk on Twitter are already predicting penalties, at least one red card and El Guffalo getting away with murder; and that’s just the first half. While the agnivores are banging on about Strict Liability, surely it’s about time for these bloody Masons to declare their allegiances. Anyway, isn’t it Willie Collum’s turn to referee a Glasgow Derby? Oh…right!

I see there’s a bit of a stooshie around the Pope pulling his hand away so that folk couldn’t kiss the ring on his finger. Apparently, he’s not that keen on this kind of ceremonial symbolism, preferring to actually engage with people. Of course, it could be that he’s being practical, thinking of people with arthritis and the like. Then again, maybe it’s a health and safety thing; there are a lot of folk out there with right scabby-looking lips! Of course, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen in Scotland. There’s nothing that Jabba likes more than people kissing his ring.

“Wait yer fuckin’ turn!”

Finally, the Record has a report about how children that are obsessed with dinosaurs are of higher intelligence and will possibly end up being geniuses. Of course, we all know that’s a right load of shite. How do they explain the Derry Dinosaur Jockey?

“Awright troops? Ah see the Taigs ur gettin’ the excuses in early coz they know thur gonny get pumped oan Sunday. Iz usual, thur blamin’ the referee, an’ that’s before the match hiz even startit. El Buffalo is gonny score a hat-trick an’ thur’ll bae a few goals frae some others an’ aw. Boabby Madden is a decent cunt an’ the maist impartial referee in Scotland. Ah should know; ay’s in ma ludge!”

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