HUN SIZE

Quite often, when I read the latest story about Neo-Gers, I’m transported back to my days as a teacher. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I had to speak to a parent about their child’s behaviour, only to hear, “What aboot…?” Such a parent was obviously embarrassed about the poor job they were doing and could only justify themselves by pointing to what they perceived as the faults of others. Neo-Gers are getting worse and worse for this kind of thing and they’re just as pathetic as those parents were.

“Listen, Ah know ma boay’s nae angel, but…”

You’ve got to laugh at their moaning; if anyone’s being cheated, it’s certainly not them. The Compliance Officer is having to clear up behind referees that are, at best, incompetent and at worst, cheating bastards. Players that should have been sent off are being allowed to stay on for the whole match, while opposition teams are denied penalties etc. They’ve got one thing right, though; they are being treated differently from other teams.

I see Willie Collum is finally getting to referee a Neo-Gers game again; a meaningless (for Neo-Gers anyway) match against Kilmarnock at Rugby Park. The Peeppul, though, are going to keep a close eye on him, ready for any ‘misdemeanour’ on his part. You can read here the kind of thing going through their thick heads. Er…what was that their club was saying about the referee’s decisions being final?

El Guffalo’s dearest hopes have been dashed and he hasn’t been selected for the Colombian World Cup squad, even though the shortlist includes ten strikers. The Daily Record thinks it’s because of his discipline problems, but surely the Colombian coach, Carlos Quiroz, has been apprised of the fact that Morelos is only being picked on because of his colour and only gets red cards because he plays for Neo-Gers? Meanwhile, I’ve discovered the reason why El Guffalo hasn’t learned English yet. He believed all the shite about Chinese teams looking to sign him and has been learning Mandarin instead. The Peeppul are happy enough about this; mandarins are orange, aren’t they?

“Wotchiwa’!”

Am I the only one that found Neil Lennon’s rant quite disconcerting? Most folk’s take on it is that we should get off Lenny’s back and let him get on with the job. Fair enough, but I was disturbed by all the stuff about entitlement and looking back on the bad, old days of the 1990s. It was as if we were being told that we can’t expect to go on winning and not to be too shocked if we don’t. Why come out with this stuff at this time? Are we being warned that next season is going to be a struggle? Are the Huns right to believe that the Celtic board is worried? I don’t like it. As I said, it’s disconcerting.

“Aye, it was bad, so it was. Those were dark days. Just ask Paul McStay if you don’t believe me. Still, as I always say, you’ve got to look at the bright side, haven’t you?”

I don’t want to get into all the Hun shite about child abuse, but let me just point out one thing. Isn’t it strange how investigative journalism, which has been posted missing in Scotland for at least seven years now, has suddenly had a resurgence?

I see that celebrity (?) Patrick Kielty, whose main claim to fame seems to be that he’s married to Cat Deeley, has decided to join the long list of soup-takers demanding an end to Catholic schools. It seems to have escaped his notice that Northern Ireland has the exact same system as Scotland, in which RE is compulsory and, by law, has to be Christianity-based. And, just as in Scotland, there’s no such thing as a non-denominational school; they’re all ‘Protestant’. You never hear these cunts suggesting that all religion is taken out of schools, as in America. As such, all they’re doing is sucking up to Orange bigots.

Staying with Northern Ireland, I saw a video clip on Twitter of an ex-soldier, complaining about the treatment being meted out to his old comrades. He talks of ‘the conflict in NI’; presumably, he means a ‘conflict’ like the Falklands Conflict, i.e. a war. Now, if it was a war, then the British Government is guilty of maltreating POWs under International Law. If, on the other hand, the British Army was there, as we were told, as a peace-keeping force, then those soldiers that shot unarmed civilians are guilty of murder. They can’t have it both ways.

And, speaking of wars, have you seen all those sad bastards complaining about the current series of Game of Thrones? Apparently, they’re unhappy with how the characters have been developed, particularly that of Daenerys Targaryen, who they think has changed too much, too quickly. They’ve even got a petition up, demanding that Series 8 is remade with ‘competent’ writers. If they honestly think that people, especially those in power, can’t change practically overnight then they haven’t been paying attention to history. Maybe they should take a look at the life of Alexander the Great. He completely lost the nut after his close friend, and possible lover, Hephaestion, died, as well as his horse Bucephalus. He turned into a violent drunk, lashing out at everybody. Those petitioners can either read up on that or get a fucking life!

“Ur you tryin’ tae make oot thit Ah’m some kinna drunk ur sumhin’? Ah’ll Dracarys your arse, ya fuckin’ dobber!”

I’m obviously getting old and gradually turning into my Latin teacher. He used to get annoyed at people misusing words and using the wrong words. Unfortunately, I’m becoming the same. While his pet hate was folk saying ‘flaunting’ when they meant ‘flouting’, mine is the way ‘wrestled’ is constantly misused in the papers. The latest one is about someone having his bike stolen, only for his friend to spot it and ‘wrestle’ it from the thief. The word should be wrest, for fuck’s sake! Maybe I’m being pedantic, but surely if you call yourself a journalist you should own a dictionary and a thesaurus. Unless, of course, the bike thief was actually tackled by Big Daddy or Giant Haystacks. In which case, I apologise profusely.

“Geez that fuckin’ bike, fanny-baws!”

Finally, I’ve had a bit of bad news. I got the results of my blood test and it turns out that I’ve got Type 2 Diabetes. I’ve received the standard ‘Coping With Diabetes’ pack, with a short book entitled, “So, You’re a Fat Bastard…” As well as telling you about diet and how you should be taking exercise, there are other matters to take on board. For one thing, if you’ve been diagnosed with Type 2 it means that you’re officially Hun Size. It’s a frightening thought. I’m nowhere near as big as some of those cunts you see occupying two and three seats at Ibrox with their enormous arses, but, seemingly, I’ve passed some kind of threshold.

There are also psychological effects associated with the condition, which are tied-in with being Hun Size. Already I’m feeling strong urges to phone Clyde Superscoreboard and have been spending every spare minute searching online for a photo of Cyril Smith wearing a Celtic scarf. The Diabetes Pack reflects this side of the condition and includes a discount voucher for an Ibrox season ticket and a book of bigoted songs. There’s also a family-sized tube of KY Jelly and an instruction leaflet telling you how to smuggle things up your arse to throw at Celtic players. Apparently, it’s possible to get a whole keg of beer up there, though I don’t think I’ll be trying that anytime soon.

“Emdy fancy a beer?”
“Er…naw, yer awright!”

The only way to avoid going down this route is to lose weight to fight against the symptoms of Diabetes. That means I’ll have to give up my beloved biscuits and diet cola and subsist on bread (wholemeal, of course) and water. It also involves – Gasp! – exercise and, no doubt, I’ll have to give up smoking as well. Christ, will life even be worth living? I’m having cold sweats just thinking about it. If I start deleting my books from Amazon and start going all Billy ‘Burger’ King on here, you’ll know I’ve failed miserably.

“Awright, troops? What a fuckin’ big jessie, moanin’ aboot Diabetes! If ye’re really gonny bae wan-y The Peeppul, ye need tae hiv gout, phlebitis an’ a serious heart condition an’ aw. An’ ye don’t need tae bother wi’ diets; jist eat whatever ye waant. If thur’s any ill effects, then that’s what doacters get pyed fur, intit? An’ ye’ll get aw the exercise ye need waddlin’ behind the Walk every July.”

Details of all my books can be found…naw, fuck it! They aw jist say bad hings aboot Raynjurz. Now, excuse me, I’m away to send some abusive tweets to Angela Haggerty!

 

28 thoughts on “HUN SIZE

  1. My pet peeve is people who start a sentence with “So…” – you see it on quiz shows all the time. Host: “Hello Bob, what do you do for a living?” Bob: “So…. I work in petrochemicals….”.. So… what? So is a conjunction, you should only use it to join two sentences together, not start one. So means… “… and saying that, it follows that …” It can’t be at the start. The missus and kids think I’m nuts when I shout at the telly about it.

    Sorry to hear about the Diabs, the good news is diet can control (and reverse) it, but it means fewer fish suppers.

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  2. Love these reads. Cheers me up no end.

    Anyhow, the diabetes thing. I’m sure you’re getting a load of unwanted advice. Not suggesting any as it happens, but just offering a link for what I found (as a scientist) a very interesting film. Knowledge is a good thing. Not suggesting you try it but definitely worth a look.

    https://vimeo.com/170735109

    Have a great Friday. Personally mine is dominated by a killing sore throat and ears full of olive oil. Got the dog asleep on my lap and funny articles to read so not all bad.

    Cheers,

    Doug

    Get Outlook for Android

    ________________________________

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    1. I’ve seen a few films like this, the fasting thing is an odd one, one of the scientists on one i saw say that it is the only proven thing to extend lifespan, very intriguing.

      Like

  3. Neil’s correct in what he said I wouldn’t call it a rant, everything around Celtic does appear to be negative and fans think that we can have a clean sweep everytime, it wont continue to happen so he’s merely reminding us about reality.

    The only negative i took from that or i think you could take is Celtic will no doubt downsize the wage bill, i doubt it will go to Strachan levels mind you. If we want someone like Rafa Benitez that can only go so far which probably tells you we won’t have someone like that which is a shame in my opinion, there are so many names being thrown around, but i can’t see past Neil Lennon at the moment.

    As for people pronouncing words wrong, the worst i hear on a regular basis is ‘Asked’ but said ‘Arksed’, ‘I arksed you’, and it drives me to the point of losing it, I was watching a video where this person was talking quite eloquently but kept saying ‘Arksed’, I had to switch it off as i could have strangled them, same as Specific and Pacific.

    Liked by 1 person

          1. It drives me nuts when people use “an” in front of words that start with the letter “ h” , as in “ an historic victory”. It’s because most English accents drop the h when speaking, but when people who really should know better (journalists and media) use it, it just makes me want to scream at the telly

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  4. FUQN XLNT PAT,CANNAE BEAT A GOOD LAUGH 😂
    I wish you well in yir fight,I’m doing likewise…
    Although I’m not quite at your advanced stage…
    Walking is all I can manage atm,so it may well be you require similar.
    G’LUCK 🍀✅💚 HH🍀
    TYVM.

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  5. Pl & the Tory Board will not let us reach 10IAR.

    Regarding the so called managerial hunt and the gulf between the fans expectations and the perceived ambitions of the Board 9 IAR / 10IAR are not a fait accompli.

    Pistol Pete and his cohorts have a different world view. A world where Celtic need the Michty Ranjurs.
    A world where 10 IAR would be of a Pyrrhic nature. Cutting our nose to spite our financial edifice. Achieving 10 IAR will be the Hammer Blow to its Economic Model of how Scottish Football works.

    The “Auld Firm”, a term that we all know to be redundant is a necessary foundation for their Income Streams, Branding , Retail, Sponsorship and Broadcasting. It’s what brings the bawbees in and what brings the Money Men to the table.

    Sevco are so far behind us financially that, if we reach 10IAR, even the dumbest Hun knows that they will never catch up. Without “Murray Mint” and an amenable Bank Manager they will never be able to put a long term financial package together to overhaul us. More so with Auld Squinty at the helm. quietly, in the background, skimming all the succulent cash from the Crumbledome.

    10 IAR will be the Apocalypse for the Hunnites. They will do walking away big style. They will not put their hands in their pockets to rescue the Klub as already demonstrated. The Usual Mantra , Other Peoples Money.

    Another Liquidation would beckon. No mere Administration and Phoenix like rebirth as there will not be the appetite, or the cash flow, to float another incarnation of the Kompany, Klub, Engine Room Subsidiary, Entity, Thingy. £50 Million and counting lost already in 6/7 years!

    Our PLC Board’s duty is to the Shareholders and not the fans. It will be Lennie with shortbread from the biscuit tin. A depleted squad, budget slashed and a life line thrown to Ibrokes to maintain the Financial Model and the illusion of a competitive environment in Scottish Football.

    H.H.

    JimboH

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    1. Most of the shareholders if not all are fans, they might not be Paul Larkin ‘I go every week so my say counts for more than yours’ hard core fans but fans nonetheless, so that doesn’t make much sense to me.

      Did Strachan not win 3 in a row? Then Lennon started the 8 we have now? Both in times of cutting the cloth?

      The huns prior to dying had a couple in between 3 also i believe, might be worth bearing in mind since the turn of the century we are the dominant force no matter whats thrown at it and that will continue because the much derided Peter has done what correct despite what the fans say or think.

      Lennon will win titles and a cup he wont be as consistent as Rodgers, fans need to adjust and accept it. I cannot foresee them winning a title with loanees and over the hill types from the prem. 10 is so very important to fans, i can see 13/14/15

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      1. “You cannot foresee them winning a title”.. They almost got this one.
        Two late goal wins in the run up… late goal win at paradise against them.Lost to them twice at the Crumbledome.
        Inferior goal difference due to Mr Tavernier-Pen.. 17 in 1 feckin season. All courtesy of the Gallant Mibs who will be totally delighted to increase their assistance next season if Lennie gets the Gig. We can be sure PL and the board will not be in a hurry to question the “loyalties” of the Refereeing Brigade of the Lanarkshire Lodge, sorry O.O. The lack of protection for our players on the park from the MIBs. Open season. Look at the injury list for last season, past two even. So much for the Board’s Duty of Care to it’s employees. The Board will leave him hanging in the wind.
        A target for the SFA, enemy no 1 for the vitriol of the rank and file of the Hun Dervishes. Lets not forget the dear old SMSM. 7 days a week, Lennie did this, Lennie said that Lennie seen here, there every feckin where ,Lambasted at every turn.
        Neil would have to be MAD to take it on.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. You make a fair point about Neil and his exposure to being in the spotlight.

          I think Neils interview may have been aimed at you, they didn’t get it and if we win by a point or goal difference its still the title.

          We’ve had one striker all season and they are still not winning the league mainly because they cant defend or are consistent enough, our manager leaves and we have an interim, we have injured players left right and centre, and the huns still cant win and you’re concerned?

          All things considered this has been a good season with a double in hand already and they our supposed bitter rivals aren’t even facing us in the final.

          Im shitting myself.

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          1. “aimed at me”, so now I’m one of the fluffy Millenials who have never had it so good.
            I’m 65 and seen my first game at Parkhead, in the Jungle when I was 13.
            The problem with us Oldies who have reservations about appointing Lennie a second time is that we ares viewed the same way Brexiteers view Remainers – as Traitors. We are not entitled to express our reservations. It is not about “never having it so good” it is about Lennie’s ability to the job, Now.
            Football has changed a lot since his first spell. Management & Coaching are more about Sports Science & Development and I genuinely feel that Neil does not have that in his locker. He is ,to use a cliche, “Old School” . There is no room for “Fergie” style management anymore. He is still too tactically naïve, one dimensional in his approach.
            The other downside from a fans perspective is that it would be a signal from the Board to herald in an era of budget cuts. Yeah, the squad is too large, it needs pruning. However the areas where we do need reinforcement, Centre half(s), cover for full backs, and a creative midfielder and long term successor to Broonie will all be done on the cheap. It will herald a limit to European progress, no speculate to accumulate approach. We’ll take it as far as we can go and be happy. Qualify for the Groups, fine, 3 Home Gates & Broadcasting divi up at the end of the season and never mind the 6/7 nil drubbings,
            If I’m being honest a large part of my concern is about the effect on Neil and his Family. The Increasing Ulsterisation of Scottish Politics and it’s shot in the arm to the numpties from the South Side, where I live, will be the backdrop to a new era of vilification of Neil in particular and Celtic and it’s supporters, many of whom are republicans ,small “r” in the context of Scottish Independence.

            The impasse over Brexit, the ramping up of the latest protest group out of Ibrokes, Scottish Proddissants against Discrimination. no laughing at the back, the concerted efforts to halt the 9 IAR / 10 IAR on and off the park and the SMSM. This will not be a good place for Neil and his family. He will always be held in High Regard by Celtic Fans however we should thank him for getting us over the line and hopefully another cup and wish him and his family well in the future and move on.

            Liked by 2 people

            1. Theres some sensitive souls on here!

              I don’t see reservations about Neil as anyone being a traitor, but the negativity is out of order, people seem to forget that whilst Rodgers was here the performances were shite, things could have been far worse without Neil as interim but he won the league 9 clear.

              I take your point about Neil and his family, it would be ramped up more than he’s had previously i doubt it would deter him though.

              People might say that about Neil but Rodgers was clearly very tactically naive he’s been out thought in Europe time and time again. Like i said i cant see past him despite the names going around.

              Who would you have?

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  6. Definitely not Moyes. All the other names being banded about, Pie In The Sky. That Big Geordie Raffa, The Special One, Slaver Billic, Carvahall etc would not even consider the SPFL, it’s a Mickey Mouse league to them. We were lucky with Brendan as he was looking for a way back into management. Alas It’s either Lennie or someone from out of left field. Another Ronnie perhaps. Even someone like Lambert would struggle on the sort of budget PL is likely to float. The nightmare scenario is Pl promoting Kennedy to Head Coach with someone like Strachan as Director of Football.

    H.H.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Well Phil the Polymer is at his bitter best today with his post about the orange walk and the pro union march in Glasgow . I suspect the majority of the people in Scotland outside of the Orange Order would like to see an end to the orange walks and at the very least stop them going past Roman Catholic places of worship . To try and paint our country as some sort of sectarian backwater is just a bitter wee pretend Irishman venting his spleen from one of the more backward corners of the republic . His link to the call it out protest only shows Angela talking to camera and not the march which would have been helpful as according to reports the marchers were able to shout sectarian insults while the boys in blue watched on which is a disgrace . Before anyone gets hot under the collar if I happen to be in Glasgow at the time I will go and stand with the call it out protest as they are doing the right thing and perhaps Phil should do the same .
    I wonder if Phil will call out the stupid attempt by the Leinster head coach trying to drag religion and the sectarian divide into the rugby final at Celtic Park next weekend . Leo Cullen trying to claim that most Glasgow Warriors supporters also support Sevco and all the shit that goes with it is just plain wrong and a dog whistle to the sort of idiots that go to sports events to cause trouble . A wander through the comments on Phil’s blog is getting a bit like reading Rangers Media with claims that the SNP want to get rid of Catholic schools while the orcs claim the SNP support the IRA . I wonder what my Celtic supporting SNP MP Brendan O Hara would have to say on Phil and his friends rants . So I am no doubt now on Phil’s list of anti Irish racists as he is on mine of galloping Jockophobes .

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    1. I thought it might have been a reference to him finding a cure for Montezuma’s Revenge. Or he had perhaps got a basket of fruit, not assets, from that nice man
      Mr Del Monti or the lead role in the Glesga remake of the Full Monti.
      See so many imponderables to choose from.

      Time for bed.

      H.H.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. SSB fielded a few interesting calls, huns claiming that the Kilmarnock game didn’t really matter as it didn’t change anything, which is true, rewind a week and there was a slight change of attitude. Strange how Hugh and Alex didn’t highlight any of that either nor the fact that they have dropped 10 points vs Kilmarnock during the season that could have won them the league.

    They can beat us again next season if that glosses over losing another league title!

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