Well, they’re not taking things too well, are they? They’re all screaming about VAR and how officials have been cheating them all season. Christ, they’ve got no self-awareness at all. If VAR did exist in Scotland, and was used properly, they’d probably never be in a final again and wouldn’t be anywhere near the top of the table. They got a dodgy penalty, a Celtic player sent off, the 40million lbs man got away with murder and an unwarranted 6 minutes added on at the end. What the hell else do they want? It’s nobody else’s fault that they’re shite. Celtic were absolute mince and still won!

Offside? The telly showed from a different angle that Julien’s foot was the only thing that was offside. All the pish about three players being offside is just that; pish! And the commentator was adamant that Frimpong was pulling El Guffalo back; so why did the fat fucker go face down in the box? It looked to me as if he was backing into Frimpong and then threw himself down, taking Frimpong with him. And it wasn’t his only dive in the game. I had to laugh at them saying that his discipline problems were behind him. Are they fuck. The only reason he doesn’t have a problem this season is that nobody will show him a card! He should have been off long before he conned his way into that penalty.

El Huffalo.

We’re hearing from the agnivores that the penalty should have been taken again because Forster came off his line. Funny that. In practically every penalty I’ve ever seen taken, the goalkeeper comes off his line. The penalty isn’t taken again and nobody calls for that to happen. So, what’s different this time? Oh, right…

Broony looks to see if The Raynjurz are coming.

Speaking of differences; it appears that there’s a difference in the way ‘sectarian’ graffiti is dealt with. Remember a couple of days ago the outrage over ‘Fucking Huns’ being painted at the Neo-Gers training ground? Police Scotland were dropping everything to investigate. A different story with the graffiti that appeared outside Hampden. It seems the police ‘haven’t been informed’ and Glasgow Council aren’t going to do anything about it until somebody reports it. And The Peeppul think everybody’s against them!

The Daily Record had an article bemoaning the disappearance of some Christmas traditions. For example, traditionally, Father Christmas wore a green outfit. Jeez! Can you imagine parents from Larkhall or Harthill taking their little darlings to Santa’s Grotto, only to discover that he’s dressed in green? There’d be elves stabbed, plastic reindeer decapitated and Santa would end up hanging from a lamppost somewhere. I don’t think bringing back that tradition would work out too well.

“Fuckin’ Timmigrants!”

As if that tradition isn’t bad enough, there’s worse to come. I’m certainly not old enough to remember silver thruppennies in a Christmas pudding and tanners were out of the question. For one thing, we couldn’t afford it and for another, my mother couldn’t cook to save herself. Anyway, the only coin small enough nowadays is a 5p and nobody’s going to thank you for running the risk of choking to death for that! At the very least, folk would want £2 coins to break their teeth on. And don’t get me started on the hygiene issues of manky, old coins in your dessert.

A tanner in the pudding or El Guffalo taking a penalty.

And then there’s the tradition of neighbours going round singing carols door to door. I don’t know about you, but I certainly wouldn’t welcome the cunts in my street caterwauling on my doorstep. I’d be keeping a bucket of pish handy. But the Daily Record might get their wish for a return to Victorian traditions with the Tories a shoo-in to win the election. Unless we leave this benighted union, we’ll all be spending Christmas like Bob Cratchit and his family, carving a seagull we murdered. God bless us every one!

Speaking of the election, some tosser named John McDonnell, who’s apparently the Shadow Chancellor at Westminster, is accusing the SNP of being in alliance with the Tories in Scotland. Where the hell did he get that from? In councils up and down Scotland, Labour have worked with the Tories to keep the SNP out and there have been tales of some Labour candidates encouraging folk to vote tactically for their local Tory. It’s hardly surprising that nobody in Scotland trusts Labour anymore.

And speaking of Christmas, I don’t think I’ve looked forward to Christmas Day so much since I was wee. No, I’m not expecting fantastic presents or a spectacular dinner or anything. What I’m looking forward to is being able to watch Channel 4 without endless trailers for that fucking Tiger Who Came To Tea. I’ve grown to hate that fucking brute!

Der Fuhrer buys biscuits made by some company called the East Coast Bakehouse. I assumed this was somewhere near Edinburgh, since the chocolate-covered ones don’t say ‘chocolate-covered’ on the packet; it says ‘chocolate enrobed‘! Imagine my surprise to find out that the company is based in Drogheda. It seems the East Coast of Ireland is just as pretentious as the East Coast of Scotland!

Get tae fuck!

Jeezuz! That was a shock. Der Fuhrer was away out with the dog and was taking ages. I was beginning to think something had happened to her. She’d left her phone in the house, so I’d be unaware if anything did happen. And then I saw the headline on the Daily Record webpage and it seemed certain that something had happened. Luckily, she and Der Fuhrerhund came in the door just as I was reading that a big bird had died! Christ, I thought I was going to have to make my own bacon rolls for a minute there!

“Awright, troops? Aye, well Ah’m no’! The durty, fuckin’, cheatin’, Taig, Tarrier, Feenyin, tattie-munchin’ basturts! We should’ve hud it least three penalties an’ they fuckers kept jumpin’ in fronty-y Morelos so it looked as if ay wiz kickin’ thum. An’ when they wurnae daein’ that, they were shovin’ um oan ays fuckin’ face. An’ that fuckin’ Feenyin referee let thum away wi’ it. Ay works in wan-y theyr schools, so ay diz. An’ thur should’ve been aboot twinty fuckin’ minutes added oan the wye they cunts kept bringin’ the game tae a halt. Fuckin’ cheatin’ bastuuuuuuuurts!”

Available on Kindle for £1.99 at Amazon.

Available in paperback for £4.90 at Amazon.

My usual offer of a free Kindle copy to the skint applies.

“Hey! Diz nae cunt ‘aant tae hear nga okinion agoot the ngatch?”

28 thoughts on “FATMAN AND SOBBIN’

  1. You’re also forgetting the undignified non pass back from them. Strange people like Tom English haven’t mentioned a thing about it.

    The odd thing about Morelos going down with Frimpong is that he could have just shot instead of going down, the ball was there to be hit.


  2. Love the humour, Pat, keep at it.
    I thought it was only the Huns’ dreams that died yeterday, but the mourning and greetiin’ is in full swing across the media.

    Tav, whom the Huns’ forums blame for giving Moronless penalty duties because he has been shit at them this year himself, was as bereft on Raman’s interview as if his weans had been nicked by a passing caravan of Romany gypsies. ( Heard a dog bark, as it moved on apparently, but later found out they had been at school as it was a weekday. He had been assured by a bloke called El Buffheid that was a sure sign).

    Had a happy event myself when my Hun loving nephew phoned just before the match spouting excitedly all the smsm pish about how they had the greatest ever chance since the last time they had a chance, and so he was getting in early in case he was celebrating too much later (he’s 45 poor lad)
    Said 6 words in reply:
    “It’s the Hope that kills you” An old one but a good one, never heard from him since then. Bless.
    Best moment of the game?….the goal obviously
    Best GIRFUY moments?…. supplied by FF.
    Best ‘I’m taking no shit’ moment……Frimpong getting shirty with the fat ugly bastard trying to intimidate him.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The title had me laughing even before I started reading the full piece.
    Coca cola changed the livery of old saint Nick to suit its product in ads.


  4. Stoattir today Pat..You on multi-vitamins or sumfin wee aw shud know aboot.

    I concur. 40lbs man is a classic. Though younger readers may have to be educated as to oz,lbs,st & cwts as, if and when Brexshit occurs they will be back in vogue along with Lsds in your shiny brown paper pay pokes. The things that made Brittain Great.

    As for finding things in the “Clooty Dumplins” well I’m in my mid 60’s and can remeber my Maw
    ( Granny to our younger readers ), puttin in “silver thruppenies ” in the late 50’s and we were not what would have been considered as well to do as a familly at that time. We lived in a Cooncil hoose in Sunny Guvan at that time, not far from The Mankie’s Midden. I must confess that up till I was about 10/11 I used to go to IBrokes and get “let”” in at Half-Time to collect the empty Gingies or Glass Cheques as they came to be known. Great source of income for me and my cousin who was from the other side of the so called divide.

    Ugly yesterday, but we’ll take it in part payment for all the Honest Mistakes and outright Cheatin that we’ve had to endure over the years. The Irony in the SMSM and on the Bloo Blogs is a delight to behold. Long may it continue. Get to 10IAR League titles and they are Deid, Pan Breed, Expired and even the most rabid of them will find it hard to ally themselves to any further
    re-incarnations of Sevco. Just think, in all possibility by that time the share dilution at the DebtDome will have equalled the National Debt, Trillions of shares not even worth the cost of the ink on them.

    Who says ” I don’t like Mondays” ? Oh that’s right another rabid Unionist and leader of Rats. Thank you Sir Bob.

    Fc not Plc.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Great stuff Pat. It’s the same pish from the SMSM. No mention that El Guffalo or Arfield should have been sent off. This, amongst other things that would put the Huns in a bad light are never mentioned.


  6. Good morning from a wet and windy Jockistan . God I will be glad to see the end of this election as it is just getting to be a joke with them all trying to outdo each other in telling porkies and talking shit . The one thing to come out of it is to show what a shallow talent pool we have in the mother of all parliaments and I include all parties in that .
    Sell El Burro took a hit after the little thug failed again to score a goal when he faces Celtic .He is an easy man to dislike with all his sly wee kicks, stamps and dives so he is a perfect fit for a sleekit cheating club . I suppose the reptiles in the press will be starting trying to sell off our best players next as the transfer windae looms large on the horizon the only difference being we have some players that other teams would be prepared to part with a wedge of cash for . After the weekend it seems all our experts on the various blogs are giving the offside rule a bit of a kicking and the ref is now a Celtic season ticket holder according to some of the orcs. I don’t give a flying whatever if the goal was offside as the officials say it was not so it stands and as Pat mentioned if VAR was in play unlikely the orcs would have made the final at all . Anyway it is almost daylight so off out to look for the cows and possibly otters .


  7. The trouble is that every politician we have of every stripe is rubbish at the moment. You’re sifting thrugh the brown stuff looking for one that gives you least of the boke.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. James Cleverly is my local MP and he literally just smiles and then talks absolute shite, but the locals seem to lap it up.

      At the minute there are loads of placards with his smiley face all over the place, there is also an Independent and I’ve no idea what his name is, but what he has done is nick a James Cleverly placard and cut it up and stick his message on the front, so as i drove past one yesterday which was stuck up at a random place, I saw the back end of it and you could just see Cle where he’d used that bit! I’ve no idea what the budget is for the Independents but that’s a bit low!


      1. It is possible one or more of the Independent’s supporers did this without the candidate’s knowledge. However there is no budget for Independents. There is a maximum any candidate can spend in a constituency but the money comes from the candidate and/or sponsors. In the case of party candidates the direct sponsor is the party itself from (indirectly) benefactors and other fundraising. Unless privately wealthy, think screaming lord sutch, Independents rarely get close to that limit.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I see our Forensic friend hasn’t done due diligence on whoever he has cut an pasted his latest exclusive from. Read Barnsley for the several appearances of Burnley in his latest piece as it stands now. Admittedly most of the letters are the same and they are less than 40miles apart in distance. But the former is in the White rose county and yo-yos between Championship and League 1 while the latter is red rose and mid Premiership


  9. I’m sure I read morelos committed 14 fouls with no card, collum (he’s incompetent rather than bent) gave morelos his last warning in the first half pointing out his repeated fouls all over the park, and still no booking when he carried on his thuggish petulant idea of fitba in the second half, orders definitely went out, moreles is incapable of sorting himself out so the refs will just have to keep their cards in their pocket as far as he’s concerned.
    Photographs of hun players greetin on the park was delicious.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. As if anyone needs any more reasons for people to not vote Tory both Bible Bill and our wee pal PZJ would rather you did or if you are in NI vote for the DUP so SNP it is then for this household . Going to be a long day with down at the polling station before it opens to see the boxes sealed then about tea time check on turnout and give any SNP voters that are having a hard time offers of a lift . In the spare bit of the day I will be try to shoot a couple of hinds so they have time to hang and butcher before Christmas for friends and some of the old people in the area . If you are in Scotland please get out and vote as I doubt we have seen a more important election since Indyref . Anyway off for a couple of hours kip after I check the fridge in case Boris is hiding in it .

    Liked by 4 people

  11. It looks like far too many people in England cant tell the difference between shit and clay, rather disappointing and sad really, I don’t get it and leaves me with a horrible unsettling feeling about my future and my families.

    Hector, any houses for sale near you?


  12. Good morning Phil you little scamp . I see your girlfriend has increased her majority with a vote share just North of 50% of the vote . It looks like it could be a good night for us North of the wall the only down side is chunky Ruth the former leader of the Tories may have to make good on her vow to go skinny dipping in loch Ness if SNP gets 50 seats . Nessie has applied for asylum in the Minch . I can’t get the image of one of those fat bergs that block sewers out of my head when I think about our Ruth bobbing about in the loch in the all together .

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Best wishes to Nessie in her asylum application.

      I bet most of us would wish that we could apply for a similar escape route via La Manche. Vive L’ Entente Cordialle.
      The only downside to going via La Manche is that we would have to traverse “the Sunnny Uplands” of a post Brexit Utopia populated by the English Working Class that has just signed their own suicide pact singing “Jerusalem”, as The Lost Tribe of Israel is wont, while queing up to pay BOJO his Hangman’s fee.

      The bit I can’t reconcile is this English appetite for Racism.
      .The English, throughout their history, have already become the most Bastardised Race on the planet. Their heritage and bloodline is permeated with the DNA of The Roman, The Nordic, Jute, Danish and Norman peoples. Not forgetting the intertwining of the Celtic Peoples from these Ises and further afield. All the things that made them “Great” but like a dirty familly secret to be hidden and shunned.
      Hell mennd them Let them stew behind their walls of isolationism. We’re OFF and there is no turning the clock back.

      On a slightly less important field of human endeavour,
      Fc not Plc.

      Liked by 3 people

  13. Noticed that too, Hector, re Phil’s girlfriend, her family live up my street and see her quite often. Doesn’t look or sound the way he portrays her, so good on her. Also shows that like N.I. last night, people sometimes stop being thick and precious about football support and instead vote of the issues.
    Must say, your assertion about the naked Ruth and Nessie had me worried, as I misread that Nessie was going to stay with The Minge in exile. (Presumably in case the Poleas Death Squad knock politely on his door at 2 in the morning, refusing to pay to the upkeep of the site, and drag her back to Scotland to face the Fuzz)
    My younger brother who lives in Reading,Berks, and has been divorced and celibate too long for his own good, has a phrase for the Ruth moment….”I would!”. Don’t believe the issue of gender fluidity crosses his mind, though too much alcohol often does, which explains the surprised look on the stuffed animals that litter his living room.
    As my old Ma used to say “Each to his own”.


  14. Good morning and congratulations to Phil who on surfacing blinking after a hard shift down the pit managed not one but two blogs without a picture of his sodding NUJ card or the young woman that haunts his troubled mind . He does seem to be a tad obsessed with the country of his birth and our football teams . JJ has as yet not given us his forensic thoughts on the election but am sure he is busy sorting out Brexit as he sounds like just the sort of genius that Boris would consult before getting Brexit done . Now that the dust has settled on the election with a bit of luck we can get on with things that matter like working towards another Indyref and getting out of the UK and no Phil we are not going to start blowing up litter bins using one of your old republican grannie’s recipes .

    Liked by 2 people

    1. There seems to be a bit of a hun infestation on Phil’s site. Either that or there’s a lot more thick Bozo-loving Brit-nat Tims around than I thought there was – depressing if true.

      Liked by 2 people

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