2D OR NOT 2D

I remember years ago doing a children’s novel with one of my reading groups. It was called Flat Stanley and was about a boy who got flattened when a cabinet or something fell on top of him. He had a great time being flat, being used as a kite by his brother, visiting far-flung relatives by being posted to them in an envelope and even pretending to be a painting to catch some art gallery crooks. In the end, he got fed up with being flat, so his brother used a bicycle pump to inflate him to his former size.

I was reminded of this book when I read about El Guffalo finding somebody under his car. I doubt anybody but Flat Stanley could have accomplished this feat.

If somebody was under the car, it’s probably El Guffalo ran some poor bastard over and dragged him, stuck under the Lamborghini, all the way home. The guy, covered in cuts and bruises, managed to struggle out once the car was parked and limped away. Morelos gave chase and would have caught the guy easily if he hadn’t encountered a white line on the road. His Auchenhowie training immediately kicked in and he threw himself to the ground.

Of course, there’s more than a hint of Jabba-Jabber about this story, especially since the Daily Record’s account includes the details that El Guffalo

“…has hit 28 goals already this season and is one of the most valuable players in Scottish football.
The hitman is top scorer in the Europa League and is a regular in international squads.”

Now, that sounds like a sales pitch, which it probably is. Our media have been trying to sell the cunt for years now with stories about phantom bids from China and top-name clubs ‘considering’ him. The Peeppul lap all this kind of pish up and honestly believe that the fat thug is up there with the best. The most ridiculous story was that Barcelona were interested in him, seeing him as on par with Luis Suarez. The truth is, of course, that El Guffalo is just a big fish in a small pond and only seems able to score against diddy teams. Suarez, on the other hand, prefers a bigger challenge; something he can get his teeth into!

So, what’s the point of this implausible story? Well, this comment on Twitter gives the game away.

“I love Alfredo Morelos but if he slaps a transfer request in to get the fuck out of Glasgow, how can anyone blame him? Some fuck followed him and his pregnant partner home to crawl below his car in a attempt to cut his brake cables. What a special human being you must be.”

It’s no secret that Neo-Gers are desperate for cash, but I doubt anybody’s going to bid for Gerrard’s rejects, like Jordan Jones. Neither is anybody gullible enough to even consider bidding £20m for El Guffalo. It looks like they’re going to accept a lot less for the thug, using the story that those ‘Dirty Feenyin Basturts’ chased him out of Glasgow.

The police have taken the car in and are on the case; as if they didn’t have enough to do. Crime doesn’t take a holiday just because Jabba wants to make a big deal of things. The polis in East Lothian, for example, are dealing with a criminal mastermind that stole two kebabs from women in a pub in Musselburgh. And, no, it’s not a joke.

A Police Scotland spokeswoman said: “We received a report of two kebabs being stolen from a premises on the High Street in Musselburgh around 1am on Sunday, 26 January, 2020. Enquiries are ongoing.”

For fuck’s sake! Is nothing sacred anymore? The Daily Record helpfully shows a picture of the stolen item.

“If anyone tries to sell you this item, please contact Crimestoppers.”

The rozzers are going to have their work cut out on Friday, right enough, when, as Hector said, Alastair McConnachie and his faded Union-Jack jacket are organising a Brexit jamboree at George Square in Glasgow. He wants folk to turn up at 10.30, by which time they’ll be well-oiled. God help anybody foreign-looking once the clock strikes 11, signalling that the UK is leaving the EU. Who’d want to bump into a pile of triumphant Peeppul and assorted racists? I think anybody normal should maybe give Glasgow City Centre a body swerve this weekend.

“See, what you’ve got to understand is that I’m a massive prick and this is the only way I can get some folk to like me. Okay, all the ones that like me are Huns and Nazis, but beggars can’t be choosers!”

I see the Tories in Scotland have been moaning because a debate was held at Holyrood about keeping the European flag flying outside. “Get on with the day job!” they cry, while their colleagues at Westminster debate about ringing bells to celebrate Brexit. And then they moan about signs in Gaelic, spouting stuff about dead languages. I wonder if they say that when their kids are learning Latin at their fee-paying schools. I also wonder what they thought about their esteemed leader talking shite in Ancient Greek on the telly.

Sticking with Brexit, there are many reasons to object to the commemorative ten-bob bit, but author Philip Pullman’s has to be the most ridiculous. He’s got nothing against the hypocritical message on it, but thinks there should be a comma after ‘prosperity’. So, ‘Peace, prosperity and friendship with all nations.’ should read, ‘Peace, prosperity, and friendship with all nations.’ I was always taught that the commas stood in for the conjunction in a sentence, so there was no need for one between the second-last and last items in a list. Replacing the commas with conjunctions in his version would give you, ‘Peace and prosperity and and friendship with all nations.’ If he wants to show off, why doesn’t he try to explain the two children having sex in The Amber Spyglass? I wonder how the BBC are going to approach that on in their serialisation of His Dark Materials.

Neo-Gers have issued one of their famous statements, this time about a referee, who, according to the Daily Record, ‘mocked Jermain Defoe as he was carried off the pitch.’ I had visions of the match referee leaning over Defoe as he lay on a stretcher, pointing and laughing. It turns out that the guy referees kids’ games in Scotland and his ‘mocking’ was in the shape of Tweeting a picture of Defoe being stretchered off, with the comment, “Things you love to see.” Okay, it was in poor taste but it’s not as if Defoe was at death’s door or anything. Neo-Gers and The Peeppul are demanding an enquiry by the SFA. Strange, but nobody wanted an enquiry when a certain Cheatin’ Beaton was pictured at a certain pub. And the Huns still moan about Hugh Dallas being sacked for his ‘joke’ about the Pope. The Daily Record, meanwhile, explains everything in one sentence, “According to Brodigan’s Twitter profile he is a native of Ireland who has been living in Scotland since 1996.” Well, obviously he’s a terrorist-supporting, benefit-claiming, UK-hating, Fenian bastard! Fortunately for the Huns, he’ll be out on his arse with the rest of us after Friday, won’t he?

The DR has a screaming headline saying, “What can you do if you think your neighbour is smoking cannabis?” Mind your own fucking business, I’d have thought, but the Record goes into detail about how to get the polis and landlords involved while sleekitly avoiding being identified. Now, I can understand reporting a clan of drunken louts, out fighting and pishing everywhere, but dope smokers tend to be a quiet lot. I mean, they’re not doing their neighbours any harm, are they? The DR begs to differ. “Most people won’t be bothered by what they are doing in their own home but the smell can make living nearby unpleasant.” Now, I can stomach neither the taste not the smell of fish, so can I phone the polis if my next-door neighbour is frying kippers? Please say yes; I can’t stand the old cunt!

“An’ the smells thit come oot that hoose, Jessie! Ah’ve heard thuv been smokin’ the fish fingers!”

I’ve just read that an anti-Brexit group are holding a torchlit meeting at Donald Dewar’s statue at the same time as McConnachie’s stormtroopers are meeting at George Square. For those unfamiliar with Glasgow, Donald Dewar’s statue is just around the corner from George Square. Who thought that would be a good idea?

“Aw, fur fuck’s sake! That means ma specs ur gonnae get it again!”

Most of the ‘New Year Resolution’ adverts have disappeared from the screen. You know the ones I mean: the ones about giving up fags and going on diets. I think most of these companies realise that if your resolution doesn’t make it past the first week in January, then they’re wasting their time. Strangely, though, the adverts for gym membership are still running. Why? Who are they aimed at? They even try to make it seem like fun for all the family. I’ve never attended one but I’ve seen those that do and, usually, it’s just folk that already look fit and healthy and want to show off their bodies that go.

“Ah’ve made loads-a new pals!”

“Awright, troops? Ah’ve only jist fun’ oot thit it wiz Naismith thit scored against us when wae wur cheated last Sunday. Ye’d never huv seen Ally McCoist ur Ian Durrant daein’ sumhin’ like that. Mind when they played fur Kilmarnock an’ hud tae bae takin’ aff fur refusin’ tae score against Raynjurz? That’s what ye call Real Raynjurz Men; no’ like Naismith, who left us when wae wur illegally relegated tae Division 3! Me an’ Betty ur lookin’ forward tae Friday night. Thur’s a crowd-y iz frae the ludge takin’ a big kerry oot wi’ iz an’ some-y the wives ur comin’ an’ aw. Ah’m lookin’ forward tae bangin’ intae some-y they anti-Brexit cunts an’ shovin’ thur torches up thur arses. This country’s gonny bae great again wance wae get rid-y aw the foreigners an’ Feenyins an’ that. If ye cannae speak God’s English proper then ye shouldnae bae here!”

If you’d care to read some books that show no discernible literary ability, you can find details here:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pat-Anderson/e/B075GL84WM/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_ebooks_1

Billy’s magnum opus is here:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B07HGVKC7X

Remember, if you’re skint for any reason, just drop me an e-mail at andrsptr@outlook.com and I’ll send you Kindle copies of any of my books for free.
I don’t need any big explanations or justifications – just ask!

And a small favour. Could you let me know what book or books you want? I don’t mind if you want the lot, but knowing makes things easier for me.

 

38 thoughts on “2D OR NOT 2D

  1. My Police Scotland must have a bigger budget than my local plod, we get our offices broken into so do neighbouring offices, stuff gets nicked and the fuckers don’t want to know same goes for the value of any goods nicked anything under £250 and they don’t care even then dusting for prints and viewing cctv is too much for them! How good were these kebabs?

    About gyms, only wankers attend them, they hook you in with those adverts and know that you’ll probably only attend a couple of times and give up whilst still being tied to paying!

    See that brake story its an odd one, and you don’t need to be under a car to be under it faffing no matter how low, itll be interesting to see the outcome as if you were going for the brakes you’d go for the hoses which are braided, easiest way to get to them on that thing is through the alloys and depending on the brake disc size which leaves little room you could maybe try cut them, seems off to me.

    Like

    1. The great thing about going to the gym is the amount of women there. Adrenalin and exercise turns most of them into right horny bitches, and as such the last thing I need is a wank – work it out dickhead. Get off your stereotypical high horse and get down to your local gym – you know it makes sense…

      Like

  2. Thanks Pat. Brought a bit of light to a wet Thursdays. We all like a good moan, so who pissed in your cornflakes. The big shock is Morelos having the intelligence to drive a car. Mind it’s low enough for him to dive into.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fuck gyms, those places stink to high heaven and are rife with bacteria and other folks body fluids. Not to mention posing cunts sitting about equipment on mobile phones or silly fat birds in skin tight lycra and clown make up squealing with their mates. Go for a walk if you need exercise..!! It’s free and far better for you.
    As for that fucking tool Morelos, I don’t believe for a second any incident took place regarding his car. More Jabba inspired nonsense. For a start there’s no cunt over 4 stone could squeeze under that thing.! Also the perp managed to evade capture by the pursuing Alfie despite carrying tools and a jack.?? I’d have thought even a lardy cunt like Alf could have won THAT race.!
    So we’re officially out of Europe at 11pm tonight.? I do hope the little Britain brigade hoping to celebrate in George Square behave themselves. Our poor Polis are stretched enough dealing with fantasy car jackers and fucking kebab thieves without having to stand by and do fuck all while you lot make tits of yourselves..!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I could be wrong but last night soon after 11pm i heard fireworks going off, it could have been the locals celebrating the transfer window shutting but i have a horrible feeling it was to do with something else! I watched a few clips on the news of some of the retards thoughts of it all and it just made me sweat with embarrassment.

    One for malc:

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The window is shut and we are out of the EU . On a wet night the Brexit celebration in George Square was lucky if it made it into three figures as Manky shirt and his goons made fools of themselves again . I have not seen anything of the celebrations in London so no idea of turnout but given the line up of speakers I doubt it was massive in numbers or collective IQ . The transfer window was very poor for Celtic and just hope both the new lads turn out to be good players and push for starting places . At least the rugby starts today to brighten up my rather dull life .

    Like

  6. Another transfer window slams shut, Peter Lawwell keeps the door of the parkhead safe welded shut. 2 projects are the sum total of 31 days of fuck all. Lennon wanted players, Lawwell wanted to protect next Xmas bonus.! The less he spends and if Celtic win the league the more he’s guaranteed in his grubby brown envelope…it happens in every business and Celtic is more business than Football club nowadays. But keep giving these shysters your hard earned money all you gullible season ticket holders….that driveway won’t pay to heat itself..!!

    Like

  7. Just in the pub after a run in the kayak and some crispin types have just come in with the oddest styles, Ones ordered a pot of tea ffs! I need to get a photo of the bloke who’s got the worst tash I’ve ever seen with a hat on with hair poking out the side. Looks a right muppet.

    Like

  8. not one caller to clyde pointed out that the thug who was in goal was the man of the match ,,, and the tosser who is up front , again follows through on the sheep keeper and dosent get any kind of card .

    Like

  9. Good morning . It would seem that not only was the mystery man to not trying to mess with the brakes on the car of El Burro but had been hired by the wife of the little shit to fit a tracking device to the car so she could keep an eye on him . It seems the little charmer likes an away game from time to time but god knows who would let him near them as he is no oil painting . I suppose there is no guarantee he was having sex with his own species given the team he plays for. The orcs are taking the result yesterday well with that well known Fenian referee Dallas junior getting a lot of abuse for not giving them a penalty despite all the extra time. Scotland lost to our Irish friends again at rugby and our big head of a captain dropping the ball when it was easier to score a try. Perhaps he tripped up over his own ego .Today England play France in a game I used to hope both would lose but after all the Brexit crap I will be rooting for the French .

    Like

  10. See if i was the private investigator i would have fitted the tracker and cut his brakes, its the back story now!

    Its brilliant what an idiot he is, nice and inconspicuous having an affair cutting about in the loudest and most Iconic cars going.

    Wonder how Stevie’s dealing with this now?!

    Like

  11. What is going on at Phil MacGobshite’s site these days? I’m used to the hosts’s opinionated drivel but the comments section is full of rabid brexiteers and unionists. Some of the stuff they come out with wouldn’t be out of place on Follow, Follow or Ibrox Noise. Given Phil’s sensitivity to criticism, I’m surprised he hasn’t blocked most of them.

    And did anyone notice that the last time JJ ‘went public’ he was wondering if the author of Tangled Up In Blue(which he claims not to have read) may have borrowed some ideas from his own magnum opus?! He doesn’t seem to realise that Tangled pre-dates his tripe which is hidden behind his paywall anyway. Time the nurses upped the dosage of his medication I think.😁

    Like

  12. Bible Bill seems happy with Brexit with his people out of Europe or Babylon as he calls it . What is it with these people and all their mystical shit . I see what Owen means about Phil’s site with all sorts of nutters cropping up . Still it makes a refreshing change from only comments by his fans making it out of moderation . JJ apart from lurking behind his paywall is the most heavily moderated corner of the internet with cash for comments and then all his made up friends . Still he needs to keep his belly away from his backbone and all that forensic shit does not come cheap and then he has to pay for the odd shag so no one should grudge our hero a few quid . Another three points in the bag but no doubt we can expect an article slaughtering our manager and slagging off our pewter players from the arse in exile .

    Like

  13. A quick wander round the blogs as it is blowing a bit outside and not yet light . Celtic fans are busy ripping into some of our players after yesterdays game with as usual James Forrest getting it in the neck and also young Ajer with calls for them to be dropped . Not sure who the girners want to replace them with given our usual injury list and the failure to recruit in eithers position . Thankfully followers of the oval ball game are made of sterner stuff and I have yet to hear anyone suggest Scotland should drop our captain after his howler at the weekend. I am sure it would be the same serial moaners that would stick the boot into either player should they put in a transfer request even after slaughtering them week in week out . The reptiles in the media seem to be trying to paint our support as racist with a little help from Jabba . That little cherub Moreorless is leading the charge possibly to deflect from thinking with his dick off the pitch and grabbing other players privates on it . The only nasty jibe I can remember was a banner from Aberdeen fans calling the little thug’s mother an article of bedding with the rest being factual references to his behaviour on and off the pitch . After a PI getting caught trying to fit a tracking device to his car young Fred is lucky not to be wearing a tracker round his ankle after all his thuggery and has his assaults happened off the pitch he could well be wearing one . A real Rangers man if ever I saw one .

    Like

    1. Drop for who i wonder? James Forrest Scotland’s current player of the year, has better stats than last season for goals and assists already, twitter needs to give it a rest about him, and a few clearly have little understanding of what a wingers job is!

      The new Samaras, Johnny Hayes is also a target for everyone to get pelters all the time, but yet again came on and made a difference!

      Quite a few fans seemingly have an issue with us now having competition.

      Like

  14. Morning all, I don’t really think the issue with fans Robert is one of fear of competition. It’s more a case of feeling the board don’t share the hopes and expectations of the man in the stand paying good money. The club haven’t signed a crowd pulling player for too long now despite nurturing and selling on a fair few. Is it really too much to ask for one big signing per season to go along with the projects.? I don’t believe it is. The fact that the challenge from The Rangers international FC has gone tits up due to them being actually pish is only making Celtics lack of investment in quality look like shrewd business. As for that cunt Desmond, what’s the point of having a billionaire owner if all the fucker does is take take take..? Also, their silence on all manner of slurs and false allegations against the club’s players and support is a disgrace. Quick to get the season ticket reminders out though I see…

    Liked by 3 people

    1. It is, and its bothering people we aren’t running away with it, we have been as consistent compared to when Brenda was here at home and better in Europe, have the best squad yet because Rangers are more consistent and within reach people are going mental.

      The board have spent good money in both the windows, admittedly last summer there was little choice but we got some good players in that have pushed us on. I wouldn’t say Klimala is a project being straight into the first team squad, Sorro we will have to see, as for buying a real crowd pulling player its never going to happen.

      As for the slurs and shite currently streaming out of sky sports, who cares, ignore it, its utter shite and best ignored, same goes for the Lamborghini story, its main aim is to get a response and then starts the petty tit for tat bollocks from arseholes like Hugh Keevins and Tom English, we I would hope are above all of that.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. The problem Robert is that all the shoite broacast by sly sports reaches a UK audience who are ony too ready to believe it.
        What with us Scots being only a few generations away from the Picts and other assorted barbarians and heathens.
        Our Club’s Custodians should be doing more to defend our Fans and the Club’s hard won reputation. ( is that an echo i hear? Deja vu or, am I still repeating myself? Did you get that Mr Heated Driveway?).

        H H.

        Fc Not Plc

        Support The Res12 Guys.

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Have you seen your average sky sports viewer? they probably think all Celtic fans are catholic and support the IRA too . All the more reason to let them carry on, any reply from us no matter how correct we are to reply would change a thing, people will believe any old shite anyway.

          Im happy for noise up fc and their shills in the media to carry on, most of it ends up back in their face!

          Like

  15. Liking the link up between Griff n Eddy.
    We still look shaky at the back – ‘specially against bulldozers. Hearts, Livi and yesterday have done that.
    That said gives others plenty to think about – playing the 2 up –
    There will be ups n downs but rather have points.
    I also agree that we could well learn from our oval ball team – with their dignity – that said it was a brutal 80 minutes…good to watch as opposed to the brutal 90 minutes on Sunday…. that was good to watch after 40 minutes….
    Who’d have thought Mcainnes could marshall his troops against that lot – when they were utter pish against us before Christmas – never look a gift horse n all that.

    Like

  16. Oh – it was also suggested I look at the ‘thesoccerguy’ an American who summaries our footie – you may have been there – but very funny IMO – thanks to the kind person who pointed me in that direction

    Like

  17. Oh give me a home
    Where El Buffalo moans
    And the cheats and the tax dodgers play
    Where seldom is heard
    An intelligent word
    And the roofs are all leaking all day
    Home of the deranged
    Where the cheats and the tax dodgers play
    Where seldom is heard
    An intelligent word
    And the roofs are all leaking all day.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Sky have now pulled the interview from all it’s platforms pending investigation.

    By all platforms do they mean that the interview has beeen shown outwith the Uk. World wide … Colombia maybe?

    Wonder who typed the translation. Jabba, Jim White that crack SlySports news Cheekie Chappie. remember him, his greetin face while commentating at a Celtic victory, think it was a Cup final.

    And they all say we are paranoid.

    Not paranoid enough.

    H.H.
    Fc Not Plc
    Support the Res12 guys.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. You have to love our two award winning blogging stars as they rush around reheating the latest Morelos/Jabba story and trying to pretend they have sources and are on the ball. It was neither of them that translated the Morelos interview and it was all over the internet before they got hold of it . Still they both have books to sell well one of them does and the other claims to have a book but seems determined not to sell it for reasons best known to the mad bastard .I ditched Sky a few years ago as they don’t cover much of Scottish sport and now it seems they are playing silly buggers with Jabba. The Jabba/Morelos run of tall tales has done its job as everyone is too busy talking about it to bother with the shambles at the asbestos dome so as squirrels go it is the Godzilla of all squirrels . El Burro is my favourite Sevco player since the yon big loon that looked like JarJar Binks and ran about kicking people and the various hardmen that mouthed off about how they were going to take Scottish football by storm and vanished up their own egos .

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.