BURY MY FAT AT WOUNDED KNEE

So, the Morelos injury was nowhere near as bad as the agnivores were making out. According to them, he was stretchered off with his leg hanging by a thread. The physios had to be careful with it as one false move would have left El Guffalo’s leg behind on the pitch. And the prognosis wasn’t good. He was either going to end up like Ronald Reagan in Kings Row or, at best, like Long John Silver. As it turned out, all he needed was a wee kiss and a Paw Patrol elastoplast! The rest of the team are disappointed because they’d already chipped in to buy him a parrot.

“Parrots? At Ibrox? They should have bought him a canary! Just saying.”

The Huns, meanwhile, are going mental because the compliance committee couldn’t agree so El Guffalo’s ‘assailant’ has, as the Daily Record puts it, ‘escaped punishment’. The ex-referees could hardly find otherwise and probably just looked at the incident to keep The Peeppul happy. All the Huns are relying on is a picture that shows the United player with a straight leg. If you’ve actually seen the incident, you’ll know that the guy got the ball and then El Guffalo ran into him. Those blades they wear nowadays instead of studs did the rest. It was a complete accident. If the Huns think that was a red card, I wonder what they make of the Sam English/Johnny Thomson incident. By their standards, English murdered the Celtic goalie!

Which brings us on nicely to the article in the Herald on the new book about Rangers ‘legend’ Davie Meiklejohn. The book sounds a right load of pish. “I always thought of him as ‘the guy who killed John Thomson’,” says the arsehole of an author. He must be the only person in Scotland that thought that; everybody knows it was an accident. He can’t even get the details right, saying that “As he dived at the feet of Sam English the strikers steel toe-capped boot smashed into his head.” Steel toe-capped boot? What? Was he just coming off an early shift at Fairfields? The truth is that there were no boots, steel toe-capped or otherwise, involved. Thomson’s head actually crashed into English’s knee.

The book also claims that Celtic supporters followed English down to England simply to abuse him. What a crock of shite! As others have already pointed out, those Celtic supporters were hardly going to let their children starve just so they could travel to hurl abuse at someone. And as for English receiving abuse from rival fans, they simply couldn’t believe how quickly he returned to play; he looked like a callous bastard. As I point out in Hell of the Voidoids (available on Amazon – details below!), Bill Struth was the one to blame for that.

“Cheeky bastard!”

Away from football, it seems that there might be life on Venus. Some kind of stinking material is present in the atmosphere, which is, apparently, a sign of organic life. There must be billions of these creatures for their farts to hang about in the upper atmosphere like that. The big question is, though, why wasn’t this noticed before? Why have these Venusians decided to make their presence known at this time? The answer is obvious. They want to sign El Guffalo.

“Forty million Quatloos on the fat Hun!”

And I take it The Peeppul will be reaching for the Pepsi if they fancy a drink of cola. Coca-Cola will be totally off the menu. After all, Coca-Cola are, apparently, giving away free team shirts. Of course, it only applies to English Premiership teams, but if, God forbid, you were a Hun, would you take the chance?

On a similar theme, the ned’s ned, Barry Ferguson, is in the Daily Record talking about Umbro giving away kits for children’s teams. How many do you think Castore will be ordering? They’ve probably got the dyes in already.

Celtic, meanwhile, made heavy weather of it against St. Mirren and Edouard is going to have to stop showing off when he’s taking penalties. His smart-arse showboating can’t work forever. Still, a win is a win, although the agnivores can’t help getting their wee digs in talking of how Celtic managed to ‘edge past St Mirren’ and how it was a ‘narrow margin of victory’. Funnily enough, when Neo-Gers have a game like that, it’s called ‘grinding out a result’!

It seems the reports about the Neo-Gers players staying on a £120m super-yacht over in Gibraltar have been ever so slightly exaggerated. Just because it cost that amount doesn’t mean that it’s dear to stay on it; in fact, the players might not even be the only people aboard. It looks like it’s the modern-day equivalent of the SS Uganda!

SS Shitehoose, Gibraltar.

I was reading about that on Phil Mac Giolla Bhain’s blog, which I usually avoid but was interested to see what you were all talking about. His blog has been as boring as hell for quite a while now. I’m fed up reading about what a paradise the Irish Republic is. It’s a fucking country, much the same as any other, with both good and bad in it. I’ve met some Irish folk that were utter cunts. And, for Phil’s information, he’s not the only one whose antecedents were involved in chasing the British out of the 26 states. To hear him tell it, his family were the only ones responsible.

Something that amazes me is what is considered news these days. On the Microsoft Home Page the other day, there was a headline that said, “Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard’s daughters drink…” I have no idea who those people are, but I was intrigued about what the daughters drank. Buckfast? Bleach? After shave? Their own pish? I had to click on the link to find out. It turns out that they drink non-alcoholic beer. I mean, for fuck’s sake, who cares? How, in the name of Christ, is that news?

On the home front, Der Fuhrer was berating me the other day for not looking after myself. She went on about the smoking, the fizzy juice, the eating biscuits when I’ve got diabetes etc. etc. Apparently I’m going to be dead before too long. She said this while moaning that the humus she was wiring into was low-fat, which she’d bought by mistake. She was then moaning about not being allowed in to see the grandkids because our daughter is isolating. As I explained, it’s better to be safe than sorry. Her answer, with a shrug of the shoulders, was, “Och, if ye get Coronavirus, ye get it!” Wait a bloody minute here…

Thankfully, Der Jungfuhrer has had her Coronavirus test result back and it’s negative. Der Fuhrer’s reaction was, “Ah knew it. Ah kin tell!” I’ve told her to get in touch with the Scottish Government, or even the Westminster one; they could save an absolute fortune. Who the fuck needs tests when Der Fuhrer can just look at people and tell if they’ve got Coronavirus or not? Fame and fortune beckons.

“Ich kan schmell Der Covid!”

Also on the home front, Der Fuhrer has been watching Married At First Sight – Strilia, which means that I’m stuck with it on while I’m typing here. It’s bad enough that it’s a load of pish, but the way those Australians talk drives me up the fucking wall. Every sentence is said as if it’s got a question mark at the end of it. It seems to have been on forever so, hopefully, it finishes soon before I put my foot through the fucking screen!

And so to Monti. It seems that quite a few folk aren’t used to his idiosyncratic brand of humour. While he’s tidying his utility room, Monti likes to invent new ways to wind folk up. He’s already been blocked by umpteen people on Twitter, who are convinced that he’s a Hun in disguise. There’s no real harm in him, apart from being a stingy bastard. Buy a fucking book!

“Awright, troops? How the fuck kin emdy doubt thit that Dundee Hibs player should’ve been rid cairded an’ banned sign dye? The proof’s there in the photie, intit? Ays leg wiz straight, wintit? What mair dae they fuckin’ need? It’s open season oan Alfredo noo. Every cunt kin boot um up an’ doon the pitch an’ slash ays legs wi’ stanley blades ‘n ‘at. Ay’ll bae dyin’ tae get ooty this rancid, sectarian country. Ah blame that Sturgeon wan.”

The latest volume of the Neo-Gers Saga available here. If you’re skint, drop me an e-mail and I’ll send you a Kindle copy. The same goes for any of my books.

And remember to consider Jerry’s book. It’s well worth it, I promise you. Available here.

 

13 thoughts on “BURY MY FAT AT WOUNDED KNEE

  1. SS Uganda sister ship of the SS Nevasa .The Auld Glasgow Corporation Education Dept hired them every Summer late 60’s early 70’s for school cruises. Went on the Nevasa in 1968 And one of the stops was Lisbon.What joy! Being from a good Kafflicks school the teachers had arranged a trip to the Estadio Nacionale.
    The year after Big Billy hoisted the cup with the big ears. There’s us,a bunch of Pollok toe-rags running aboot the pitch re-enacting the game while being chased by the Portuguese equivalent of a cross between a School Jannie and a Park Warden. What memories.

    H.H.

    Liked by 7 people

  2. Glad to hear all is well with your daughter Pat…the power of prayer does indeed work.

    On the subject of the game the other night, it has to be said…Neil Lennon does my head in at times. Surely to feck we should ALWAYS be starting with our strongest team available. e.g. Ajeti and French Eddie up front; Mo on the left wing, Frimpong on the right wing.; either 4 4 2 or 3 5 2 depending on circumstances. Get the goals first and then rotate till yer heart’s content. Anything else is sheer disrespect to the opposition. Let the full backs do their jobs and let the wingers do theirs. Feck all this wing-back crap. It didn’t work for that useless bastard John Barnes…it ain’t working for NFL.

    Phil recently did a amusing post comparing the Apes of Gibralter with the Huns…they are indeed one and the same, but if I was a Gibralter ape i’d be feeling a tad insulted. The clinching argument for me is one that Phil left out…the female apes are even more vicious than the males…and have far more facial hair. So definitely like the Huns then…have you ever seen some of the ‘female’ specimens that attend Orange Walks?. They make Arlene Foster look like Marilyn Monroe. I rest my case…yer Honour.

    As a historian Pat, do you think that future Celtic historians will be kind to Peter Lawwell? My own view, looking at the facts since 2012 is that he should be hammered. At a time when we should have been pushing the boat out to assure CL qualification every year, this dead-head decides to downsize for four years. Dwindling crowds of people that had already purchased season tickets really proved that a wise decision…didn’t it? Then of course there was the collaborating with the enemy to ensure Newco a pass into the top league. Same on you Brother Lawwell…wouldn’t want to offend your Masonic pals at Ibrox or Hampden, would we now? As for Fergus…well, i’ll leave that for another time. Living through those days. I’ll give him credit where credit is due, but………..suffice to say, I cannot stand revisionist historians.

    Here Pat, have you ever considered doing a book on your Uni and teaching days…I’m sure that would be popular. Hail Hail and KTF.

    Like

  3. Howdy Patrice!
    I’m very glad to hear all is well with the family and Der Führer is back to her nagging, bullying best mate… The joys eh😉👍. The Meedja are soiling themselves about the Huns all conquering, swashbuckling display in Gibraltar.. fucking hell man, even El Donkey managed to score twice! How pish must that Red Wimp keeper be? Letting that fat fuck score against you considering he’s been on a life support machine all week since his horror tackle… He’s so very bloody brave. That’s some size a hole he’s got on his knee🤔🙄.
    Had a glance over on Phil’s site… Fuck me that guy blows some amount of smoke up his ain arse, he would make the publicity shy Beckham’s seem coy. I never knew he lived in Donegal. He never seems to mention it🙄. He’s still obsessing over that wee ugly Hun SNP Burd, the one that looks like Noleen Burke fae Prisoner from Cell Block H. Wid did she dae tae offend him? Say Daniel O’Donnell was pish or he’s a pretentious cunt! He’s nae backbone that boy…. Sevco have got Willem Il in the next round who fucked that pub team that fucked the Huns. Oota Europe would be a huge dent in their already depleted funds if you listen to Phil’s lap dog James Forrest. Fuck, if you listen Tae him the cunts would have went to the wall again five years ago.. Keep on rocking in the free world Pat Bhoy. Fuck the Huns, The Tories and Tom English who gets right oan ma fucking tits!!👍🍀🍀💚.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Great stuff Pat as usual. Best blogger on the Internet.
    Glad your family are ok. Some good replies on here today. Always look forward to your next blog. Where’s Hector? He’s not been commenting as much.
    Keep safe pal. Hail Hail.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hector’s probably busy trying to repel the influx of L’Anglais from across the border and keeping the goats from interference.
      I can picture him draped in a Saltire at a home made
      Customs Post incorporating a Covid Self Testing Booth.
      “ Next. Failed. Back ye go and take yir brood with ye. If ye see Boris’s tent tell him tae feck off as well”.

      H.H.
      It’s still out there.

      Like

  5. Well Phil is being even more of a dick than usual today which takes a bit of doing. His sneering take on the last Indyref is a thing of beauty and shows him up as the obsessed bitter little man he has become. I worked hard for Yes and still do and was gutted by the result but it was a democratic election and as more of my fellow Scots wanted to stay in the UK I have to accept the result as that is how this democracy thing works. He seems obsessed by a country he has left and a couple of football teams that play in it oh and a stupid young lady. When suggested by one of his readers he tone down the fetish for the young lady he goes off on one. Not sure if he wants us to form a flying column and start blowing up horses and children but that is not how we do things in this country. Reaching for the gun when you don’t get your own way is a fools errand and recently led to the tragic death of a young lady journalist who Phil counted as a friend. Oh but that was the new IRA not the original one that he is so fond of. I am sure the distinction is lost on the friends and family of the lady in question. Rant over.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. The troops were a bit worried Hector.
      Awaiting your post… Anyway good to hear you back dude. Does Phil count the new IRA as the auld IRA? Are we going down a old co/ newco route here? It’s all very confusing, though IRA 5091 does have a nice ring tae it. The next poor cunt that’s cops they can blame it on the Old Co. Fucking hell man I’m lost🙄🙄🙄..

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  6. Humus she bought by mistake, floored me there Pat. 😉 Hilarious….

    Apparently fat more or less had a scratch to contend with but these things can go septic. Actually they can 1 month in hospital in 2017 with a small cut on my foot nearly done for me 3 times. Still made it and good to see the colombian pele back fit and well.. Nobody wants him though and the Hibees get a point today. Shoogly wheels on that sevco bogey.

    Like

  7. Good morning . I see the chip wrapper press having a pop at the late Colin Weir the winner of the UKs largest lottery jackpot for as they put it ” blowing ” over £40 million in the time he had left. By blowing it he gave a lot to charity, set up trust funds, sorted out houses for friends and family, bought 55% shares in his favourite football club to donate to the fans and supported worthwhile causes and has left another £40 million in trust. If that is blowing a fortune we could do with a few more like him and I would love to win a fraction of his pay out to ” blow” on charities close to my heart like Mary’s meals. As they say there are no pockets on a shroud and you can’t take it with you so I hope Colin enjoyed spending it and he did more in his all too short spell of good fortune than all the vastly richer reptiles that own the press have done in their lives. A life well lived RIP Colin.

    Liked by 2 people

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