NONE OF THE ABOVE

Have you heard the one about the ex-footballer, the minister and the politician? Well, all three are standing for the board of Rangers (sic) First. Now I wonder how they came up with the name for that organisation. It sounds remarkably like Britain First, a bunch of right-wing dickheads, who hate anybody and everybody that isn’t one of them. Well, that description certainly fits The Peeppul, right enough. Anyway, I digress. Richard Gough, Rev. Stuart MacQuarrie and ex-Labour MP Brian Donohoe are all standing for election and each has been telling everyone why they should vote for him.

But why would these high-profile characters want to be on the board of what is effectively a supporters’ club? Two reasons stand out. First, unlike the majority of Sevconians, this lot actually put their hands in their pockets. They’ve been buying shares and even offered King a loan. There’s a lot of cash to be made for the right kind of man. Second, since Rangers (sic) First are buying shares, there’s every chance that they’ll get some kind of representation on the Sevco board itself. One of these three men might well get their hands on the Scottish equivalent of the Holy Grail: an Ibrox blazer!

Who should The Peeppul involved in this group vote for? It’s a tough choice as all three have much to recommend them. Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of each candidate.

 

RICHARD GOUGH

PROS: One of the ‘nine-in-a-row’ cheats, sorry, heroes. He is already well in with King and Traynor and is never done appearing with the Level 5 backdrop behind him. Knows a bit about finance, helping to run Honest Dave’s ‘Don’t buy a season ticket’ bank account. Looks like a zombie.

CONS: Said that Rangers was dead in 2012, a statement that has come back to haunt him many times. Seems to just appear whenever King needs somebody ‘neutral’ to be his mouthpiece. He’s a prick.

 

REV. STUART MacQUARRIE

PROS: He’s obviously a Proddy! He once lambasted the song ‘Fields of Athenry’ as being bigoted and racist, while refusing to condemn ‘The Famine Song’. Has written disparagingly about the Irish, claiming that they’re always trying to play the victim. He’s already the Fish-ell Ibrox chaplain.

CONS: As head of Glasgow University’s chaplaincy centre, he mixes with priests and actually has quite a lot to do with theym! He was also instrumental in bringing hated terrorist, Nelson Mandela, to Glasgow.

 

BRIAN DONOHOE

PROS: Has been one of The Peeppul for many years and ran the Westminster Rangers/Sevco Supporters Club. Has a way with finances, having been embroiled in the expenses scandal. He even demanded to be reimbursed for a toothbrush! He is a firm opponent of same-sex marriages, which should appeal to the NI contingent. He says that he’s a ‘keen gardener’, which should, of course, endear him to Warbs. He also says that he was ‘particularly active in policy matters relating to transport, aviation and the Scotch Whisky industry’. This would stand him in good stead with Park, King and he could even be instrumental in bringing Auld Leggat out of hiding.

CONS: He’s a member of the Labour Party, a well-known refuge and support for Fenians, Taigs and terrorists. This would hardly endear him to the vast majority of The Peeppul. He would have to make a very public declaration, renouncing Satan and all his works.

So there we have it. Hopefully the vote is by the first-past-the-post method as even The Peeppul can spell ‘X’. Any attempt at proportional representation would soon fall by the wayside as hundreds of voters wander about, scratching their heads, asking what number comes after ‘1’.