THE FORTUNE COOKIE

One of Scotland’s top legal firms, Shyster, Shyster, Shyster and Grab, is representing various clients that are looking for compensation after things went wrong at Glasgow’s Queen Elizabeth University Hospital. Instead of suing our beleaguered NHS, the lawyers have presented their claims to Buckingham Palace. It’s the Queen they’re suing; after all, it’s her name on the door.

Mrs Senga McGlinchy, whose husband went into QEUH last year to have a mole removed and came home a woman, agrees with the decision to sue Hurmaj.

“I’ve heard that the Queen’s staff are saying that it’s got nothing to do with her; the hospital only uses her name. But that’s rubbish. She was happy enough to officially open the place and get her pictures taken and everything, wasn’t she? You can’t tell me that she’s not in charge!”

The Queen, yesterday.

In a similar move, the legal firm is also suing the Duke of Edinburgh for injuries sustained by people taking part in his famous Award Scheme. One of its clients in this respect is a young man called Colin Thyme, who was attacked while participating in the voluntary component of the Silver Award. His mother, Mrs Goode Thyme, tells the story.

“Ma Colin wiz helpin’ oot it an auld folks’ home when this auld cunt sank ays teeth intae ma boay’s erm. It took four-y thum tae remove the false teeth an’ it left a big gash. Ay nearly loast ays erm because-y it. An’ noo that shape-shiftin’ auld bastard sits doon there, sayin’ it’s goat nuhin’ tae dae wi’ him. So, how come thur’s tons-a pictures-y um haunin’ oot medals ‘n ‘at? Fuckin’ alien cunt!”

Prince Philip, yesterday.

Celtic managers are prone to overuse the superlatives when it comes to team performances but, on Thursday night, nobody could accuse Brendan Rodgers of exaggeration. That was an immense display and lays down a marker for the rest of the season. Some commenters, as Christina said, since they can’t fault the team, decided to have a go at the light show. Bill Leckie, for example, expressed disappointment that all he saw were lights. That’s a light show; a show composed of lights and this clown complains that it was ‘just lights’. What the hell else was he expecting?

Neo-Gers, meanwhile, were brought back down to earth with a bump. The media’s been going on and on about how their favourite team is ‘flying high’ in Europe; the reality, though, is somewhat different. They struck it lucky, being in a group with clubs that have been facing major problems. Spartak Moscow is no exception. A score of 4-3 usually says one of two things; either two great teams have gone head-to-head or both teams are utter shite. Steven Gerrard’s comments show which one he thinks is true.

The ned’s ned, Barry Ferguson, has ‘written’ another column for the DR, in which he comes out with the following: ” At no point did I ever think a referee had it in for Rangers Football Club.” That’s an absolute belter! The big debate has always been about referees favouring the deid club and this moron comes out with a statement like that. Aye, don’t worry, Barry, son, none of the rest of us ever thought a referee had it in for Rangers either.

While he’s got folks’ attention, Barry decides to go on at length about ‘banter’ being part of football. It’s not right, apparently, that the likes of Morelos and Kris Boyd should have to put up with taunts from the crowd without having the right to have ‘banter’ back. Conspicuous by its absence from Barry’s arguments is the name of Neil Lennon. Presumably, like the rest of the Huns, Barry thinks he’s a special case and wants him hung, drawn and quartered merely for daring to exist.

And, staying with that ridiculous Neo-Gers complaint about Willie Collum, does anybody think we’re on the verge of another referees’ strike? After all, Collum is essentially being accused of cheating. No doubt the Ayrshire Ludge…I mean the Referees’ Association…will decide that Collum, in fact, is to blame. It looks like he’s already been punished – why else would he pull out of the Aberdeen/Hibs match with sore baws?

There seem to be quite a few stories around just now concerning children and they make you despair about what the future’s going to be like. One woman has only just stopped breast-feeding her nine-year-old daughter because the girl herself doesn’t want ‘mummy milk’ anymore. I mean, for fuck’s sake! How long was this going to go on for? There’s something seriously creepy about that.

Meanwhile, a wee girl has been viciously savaged at a soft-play centre and looks as if she was attacked by one of Smegory Campbell’s dinosaurs. Two boys, it seems, were biting her, with the mother of the perpetrators making the excuse, “That’s what children do!” Er…no, it’s not. It’s what spoiled little bastards do. I had a girl that used to bite other kids in the class and her mother protested there was nothing she could do about it. After the school run one morning, the other mothers beat the shit out of the offending girl’s mother and, strangely, the biting stopped after that. Not that I’m advocating that as a solution but it shows that parents can stop this behaviour if they try.

And then, there’s the spoiled-looking boy that had a banger go off in his hand. Apparently, nobody is quite sure how the lit firework ended up in his hand. Christ, it doesn’t take a genius to work that one out and I’m willing to bet that some poor cat or dog has had a narrow escape!

A school in England has brought in a dress code, which they instituted after the summer holidays but did not enforce until after the mid-term holiday. Now everybody’s moaning about the school being run as a military academy and their kids not being allowed to turn up in trainers or whatever. It’s one thing I learned when I was a teacher. Parents are all keen on discipline at school and even want to see the return of the tawse. Unfortunately, they only want that discipline to apply to everybody else’s kids, not their own!

Finally, I’ve got a great week to look forward to. On Monday, another attempt will be made to draw blood from my vein-less body. Then, on Wednesday, I’ve got the proctological examination. Here’s hoping I get the big thumbs-up from the doctor. Er…maybe I’d better rephrase that.

“Awright, troops? Ah cannae understand what aw the debate is aboot Wullie Collum; it’s a simple matter. Ay works it a Kafflick school, so ay shouldnae be allowed tae referee Raynjurz games. An’ that’s it. An’ speakin’-y Kafflicks, Ah see Billy Connolly hiz come oot tae support Neil Lennon, gauin’ oan aboot sectarian bigotry in Scotland. Intit funny how the only wans thit hink oor country’s fuull-a sectarian bigots ur Feenyin basturts like this pair?”

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https://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B07HGVKC7X

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Nae utility-room owners!