DIVE AID

For fuck’s sake! The media are going overboard about Tavpen again. Apparently, he’s the all-time highest goal-scoring defender in the Universe, or some such thing. With the amount of penalties Neo-Gers get, it’s hardly a surprising statistic. And if it’s not penalties, it’s free-kicks just outside the box. With all the hyperbole, it’s hard to remember that he’s not very good at the job he’s actually paid to do. The Hibs goal at the weekend was a case in point; he was fucking hopeless! For all the bumming-up the media are doing, the sad truth is that no cunt will ever buy him for any decent amount. Who wants a defender that can’t defend and only looks good because he’s the penalty-taker in a team that gets far more than its fair share of penalties!

“Zut alors! Nobody told me ‘e was a defender! I ‘ave been making ze excuses for ‘ees defensive blunders because ‘e was not a defender. Ze useless bâtard!”

The Huns, as usual, believe all the hype surrounding their team and are looking forward to what they insist on calling the ‘Old Firm’ match next Sunday. They’re celebrating already before a ball’s even been kicked! Frankie sent me a screenshot of what’s going on at Oswald’s Bar.

I don’t think there’s ever been a more impressive line-up since Live Aid! If you’ve never heard of any of those ‘singers’, don’t worry – neither has anybody else, outside of certain circles. The thing that intrigues me is those ones that are labelled ‘cultural singers’. Do you think they’ll be doing a selection of arias from well-known operas? Or maybe they’ll be singing a few tunes last heard at the Mòd. Somehow I doubt it. The only culture associated with the Huns is what the cleansing boys find in a council house when one of them moves out. Being Huns, of course, the staff at the Oswald Bar can’t even spell the names of their ‘star attractions’. That Lyndsey Glen, for example, is actually called Lynsey Glen. Google her and it comes up with pictures of Lynsey De Paul. Now, you just know that Lynsey Glen looks nothing like that! I think it’s actually the fat bint that does a podcast called Follow We Will.

“Ah mean, c’moan tae fuck! Dae Ah look iz if Ah’m a Hun?”

Vicky Gold, meanwhile, is actually Vicki Gold, who advertises her services on Facebook. She is sold as a ‘Cabaret Singer/80s Tribute Show‘. Anybody turning up to one of her 80s Tribute shows might be disappointed to discover that it’s a rendition of ‘Simply the Best’ over and over again. Then again, any normal person wouldn’t be seen dead at one of her performances.

Aw, shit! Ah missed oot oan that wan!

The others on the list are nearly impossible to find. I guess they, understandably, want to keep a low profile. They call themselves ‘Raynjurz Singurz’, which is a strange appellation since you can be damned sure none of them ever mention the team from Ibrox. Instead it’ll be songs about Ireland, Feenyins etc. One of them is called Stevie Dean, who looks exactly what you’d expect him to look like, baldy napper included. Here he is in action:

I’ve not bothered including the sound. You can’t make out a fucking word in the original video anyway!

While I was looking on Follow Follow for details of some of these losers…er…I mean singers, I came across a thread complaining about how players of other teams roll about, pretending to be in agony to get the game stopped when Raynjurz are moving up the pitch! Christ, these characters live in a wee world of their own! There’s only one team in Scotland that’s infamous for that kind of thing!

I see Donald Trump is living down to his reputation of being a manipulative cunt with his recent rants about Easter. In America, the 31st of March is Transgender Day of Visibility, something that’s been around for 10 years now. Trump was blaming Joe Biden for this day falling on Easter Sunday, which, let’s face it, nobody knows in advance when it’s going to happen except for the ones designating it. Anyway, Trump said that it was offensive to “Christians and Catholics”, implying that Catholics are not Christians. That’ll get even more of the toothless, inbred Hillbillies that support him onside! Mind you, his supporters won’t please the Huns either. I read one of them recently stating that Scotland is a Catholic country! That’ll go down well doon the ludge!

“Emdy waant tae buy a Bible? Thur no’ Kafflick wans!”

Speaking of Huns, some arsehole called Moore Holmes was on Twitter, using his paid-for blue tick to have an extended rant about the Easter Rising. I don’t think any of these cunts ever pick up a history book unless it was written by Broth Dudley Edwards. For all his ravings about terrorists and the like he forgets one important point – the English had no right being there in the first place! And using the numbers of Irishmen signing up to fight for the British Army as proof of their support for Britain is a load of shite. In the aftermath of the Dublin Lockouts, many men had no other employment available to them. Maybe he should be more concerned about the dearth of Loyalists in Northern Ireland willing to fight for King and Country in WWII!

“But…but…but..the IRA…Shinners…Kafflicks…MOPE…etc…etc…drone…bleat…”

You’re probably familiar with a guy on Twitter that goes by the username I hate (picture of an orange) bastards. Of course, there are Huns that accuse him of being a bigot and one stupid cunt has decided to report him to the police under the new Hate Crime legislation! I’m sure he’ll get far with that one.

“These Feenyin basturts ur aw the same. They learn bigotry in thur apartheid schools ‘n ‘at!”

Meanwhile…

“Me an’ 48 fousin others’ll bae breakin’ the Hate Crime law oan Sunday. Fuck the Feenyin SNP! An’ then me an’ Brother Boabby’ll bae doon the Louden fur a sesh efter ay gies Raynjurz three pennulties so wae kin beat theym!”

I was reading how scientists are predicting an insect armageddon and statistics are provided showing how insect populations are declining everywhere. I know some of them are needed for pollination, but is anybody really going to miss the cunts? A world free of wasps is a world worth hoping for. Mind you, if anyone feels guilty and wants to help insects, Der Jungfuhrer has come up with a cunning plan. Kill all the spiders you find!

“Hate crime! Hate crime! Fuckin’ hate crime!”

Details of all my books can be found here. If you’re skint for any reason, e-mail me at andrsptr@outlook.com and I’ll send you free Kindle copies of any of my books you want.

Jerry’s book is here and Billy ‘Burger’ King’s magnum opus is here.