TANTRUM ERGO

There are a lot of Celtic supporters angry about Neil Lennon’s latest outburst. In it, he blames the fans for turning against him, his staff, his players, the board etc. etc. Some folk think he’s perfectly right, but remember, those fans were totally bewildered about what was going on. How the fuck did a team that had been winning everything go downhill so quickly? Lenny forgets, though, that it wasn’t the fans that were playing and none of them were even allowed into the football grounds. There’s a clue in his rants, though, to his current state of mind. On the one hand, he berates supporters for giving his backroom team a hard time, while, at the same time, blaming his backroom boys for fucking up the season. I still insist that none of it was his fault, nor the fault of his backroom team. He simply wasn’t allowed to win. As I’ve said before, I’ll elaborate on this in my next Neo-Gers book. Most footballers are like big weans and Lenny’s one of them. He’s simply lashing out at all and sundry because he’s being blamed for something he didn’t do.

And speaking of anger, I can’t believe there are folk on Twitter moaning because it looks like Ange’s assistant might be an ex-Rangers player. That’s Hun behaviour! I think some folk forget that some of Celtic’s greatest servants grew up being Rangers supporters. There’s Kenny Dalglish for one and Scott Brown for another. Is anybody going to accuse Broony of not giving 100% over the years? As well as being a great footballer, he was also an accomplished Hun baiter and they still hate his guts. And this guy that played for Rangers is called Muscat. Wasn’t he in Deputy Dawg?

“C’moan, Moley. You kin help wi’ the team selections. “

It seems we lost out on Fergal Sharkey to be the Director of Football as well. After lots of speculation, it appears he decided to stay at Manchester City instead. Now the story is that, although Celtic held talks with him, he was never offered the job at all. What the fuck’s going on?

“It nayvir happens t’me! It nayvir happens t’me!”

By God, the sights you see when you have to go outside! A few days ago we had to go to the Edinburgh International Conference Centre for me to get my second Covid jag. This huge, fat cunt came waddling in while we were in the queue. He was too far away to see what it said on his grubby top, which was discoloured with sweat and grime; I think it had once been red, but it could well have been orange. He had on a massive hoodie, which was open to show his filthy top, big, baggy shorts, which went down past his knees to hide how far down his arse was sagging and his diabetic socks lay crumpled round his manky trainers. He looked every inch a Hun, but it wasn’t until he came closer that we could see the ’32 Red’ on his top.

Another character that is 100% a Hun is the guy that was in the papers for sending sexual messages to what he thought was a fourteen-year-old girl. It turned out that it was one of those vigilante mobs that set up profiles on messaging apps to trap paedophiles. What I couldn’t believe was that he sent the ‘girl’ naked selfies! Now, I’m in the fat-and-old category and wouldn’t dream of sending anybody a naked selfie. I doubt the recipient would find it particularly sexy and they’d more likely find it hilarious. And if I looked like this guy, I wouldn’t even send anybody a selfie with my clothes on, let alone naked. It would be like one of those Where’s Wally books, as the recipient struggles to find his knob among the flab. How do I know he’s a Hun? Well, they’re the only ones delusional enough to think they’re handsome when they’re evidently not. I mean, they think they’re still following a dead team, don’t they?

“Fuck off! Ah’m the pyoor double-y Brad Pitt whin ay wiz young, so Ah um!”

I’ve seen quite a few people posting the image below on social media. Apparently, it’s a china ornament that was for sale on e-bay. Folk are flummoxed as to what the hell it’s all about. I can reveal the answer. It’s called a Govan Bidet!

“It gets right in there fur a thorough clean. Simply the best!”

Remember when the Mighty Warbs was at Neo-Gers and The Peeppul all walked about with breid pokes on their nappers? They never really fell out with the guy, so I’m guessing they’ve still been buying (or stealing) Warburton’s bread as their food of choice. The fact that Warburton’s appear to have abandoned putting the extra-thick sliced (which is in a green wrapper) in Scottish stores would suggest that The Peepul have still been clamouring for those blue and orange wrappers. After seeing the latest Warburton’s ad, featuring George Clooney, I doubt they’ll be choosing Warburton’s ever again. Have you seen it? Have you heard the background music? In case you haven’t, it’s a little piece called Ave Maria!

Did you read that pish in the Daily Record about why the Huns don’t support Scotland? Apparently, most of it’s to do with how the SFA was ‘bad tae Raynjurz’ nine years ago. The writer said that they should have been helping Rangers, but what the fuck did he want them to do – pay all their debts for them? Actually, that’s probably exactly what The Peeppul wanted. The Huns on Follow Follow have…er…follow-followed up on the piece, with many of them saying that it’s because ‘thur’s been nae Raynjurz playurz in the team.’ They also think that the whole of football in Scotland has been ‘corrupted by Sellick.’ Fucking lunatics, the lot of them.

Der Fuhrer is always moaning like fuck when she’s hoovering. It doesn’t help when she doesn’t use the proper hoover, but insists on using the attachments with the tiny nozzle on the carpets. All you hear is “Oh ma back!” Since I’m not much use around the house, I was looking up those robot vacuum cleaners. They’re a lot better these days and have come down a lot in price. You can even hook it up to your wi-fi so you can tell Alexa to let the cunt know it’s time to do the cleaning. With no need to get off your arse, the house could be hoovered every day. Der Fuhrer, though, is dead against it, though she can’t give me one good reason why. “It’s a waste-a money,” she says. “Ah like tae dae ma ain hooverin’,” she says. So why the fuck does she do nothing but moan all the way through? She won’t admit it, but I think she’s scared of the fucking things. She probably imagines that it would come bursting through the bedroom door in the middle of the night, shouting, “Exterminate!”

“Ah might slaughter ye in yer bed, but Ah’m a dab hand wi’ a Dyson!”

The kids that live round here all adore Der Fuhrerhund and run up to pet him whenever he’s out with Der Fuhrer or on the rare occasions when I take him for his pre-prandial constitutional. One wee girl, Amy, who’s in P6, turned up at our door on Saturday morning. Der Fuhrerhund and I were enjoying a sleep while Der Fuhrer was at the shops. Suddenly, there’s a loud knock at the door and Der Fuhrerhund going mental, barking the fucking place down. I get up and open the door to find Amy and another girl. “Ur yez awright?” asked Amy. As I struggled to understand through my sleep-befuddled brain, I finally gathered that her class had been told by her teacher that they should check up on the elderly in the neighbourhood and see if they’re alright. Cheeky wee shite! Ah’m gonny phone that fucking school!

When you’re going through the TV menu to see if there’s anything worth watching, does anybody else select A Place in the Sun if Danni Menzies is on? Jee-zuzz! That can’t be doing my blood pressure any good!

“Awright, troops? What the fuck’s everybody moanin’ fur coz some folk ur booin’ fitbaw players fur takin’ the knee? Ah mean, that BLM mob ur aw Communists ur terrorists ur sumhin’ an’ nae cunt should bae supportin’ thum. Anywye, ‘takin’ the knee’ only means wan hing tae Raynjurz supporters: John Greig. Ay’s goat a collection-a kneecaps aw mounted oan plaques up oan ays wa’, trophies frae aw the knees ay took ower the years. It’s impossible, but some stupit cunts hink they aw came aff the wan Feenyin basturt. Ah’ve heard thum sayin’ thur aw Pat Ella’s.”

Details of all my books can be found here.

If you’re skint for any reason, drop me an e-mail and I’ll give you Kindle copies of any of my books. I don’t need any big explanations – just ask!

And please remember Jerry’s book as well!

Available here.