ROD THE …ER… TOSSER

I can’t believe all the folk beating the drum for Rod Stewart; the guy’s a fucking tosser. A great ambassador for Celtic? What, you mean getting pished at the Hampden Hospitality Suite and picking fights with every cunt? I don’t care if he supports Celtic or not, he’s a Tory bastard and deserves to be castigated. No doubt there are other Tory fuckers among the Celtic support, team and in the board room, but they’re not rubbing our noses in it by congratulating a right-wing, racist bastard on social media, are they?

“If you want my body and you think I’m sexy…”
“Naw, wae don’t – so get tae fuck!”

Meanwhile, the papers are full of cunts calling for officials to be lenient with El Guffalo. Er…maybe they haven’t noticed, but he’s been getting away with murder this season. Stamping, kicking, diving; his whole repertoire hasn’t changed at all since last season, except this time nobody’s showing him any cards. Apparently, folk were throwing coins, lighters and cups of Bovril at him. Normally, this is what happens to opposition players at Ibrox, with never a word said about it. How dare other teams’ supporters act like Huns!

“Hullo, it’s Chris Zhack here again. That reheree hud nae right tae send Ngorelos a-hh hur ngakin that gesture. It disnae ngean the sayng in Colongia iz it diz here. It’s an ancient Ngayan sign, thit ngeans yir showin’ yer enengy reskect. It’s stull used in ngany karts-y South Angerica.”

Craig Swan, in the Daily Record, is calling for everybody to calm down when it comes to El Guffalo. Like the rest of them, however, he skirts over the issue of the sending off being a second yellow, rather than a straight red. What was the first yellow for? And he hoists himself with his own petard by condemning golf fans for shouting abuse at some American for being a cheating bastard. He obviously doesn’t see the irony there. That’s why everybody hates El Guffalo; he’s a cheating bastard as well!

He then points to the picture of El Guffalo’s ‘gesture’, arguing that the Motherwell supporters were making a few gestures of their own. At least none of them were practically trampling disabled supporters to death to try to get at him! Does Swan think none of us remember that? The stupid cunt even mentions Scott Brown, as if the situation was in any way similar. If Morelos wants to stop the abuse coming at him from the stands, the solution is simple; stop fucking cheating!

I’ve seen quite a few folk on Twitter saying that Motherwell weren’t themselves on Sunday. They’ve been asking what was wrong with them. Maybe they failed to notice, but their manager was arrested on Friday. Now, that’s enough to put any team off its stride. A bit of a coincidence that, Police Scotland arresting the guy just before his team’s due to face Neo-Gers. Not that Police Scotland would do anything to help the Ibrox club, would they?

After reading Hector’s comment, I had to go and look at JJ’s site. Does that guy honestly think that people’s heads button up the back? He claims to be a ‘socialist’ and then bangs on with some of the most unsocialist opinions I’ve seen. He blames immigrants for everything from unemployment to the state of the NHS. Oh, sorry, that’s just for viewers in England; in Scotland, it’s the SNP that’s to blame. It’s folk like him that helped Johnson win the fucking election!

In my latest book (available now – see below) one thing that I argue is that being thick is almost considered a virtue in Britain; a trait that’s been passed on to the USA. Folk that are clever are viewed with suspicion, especially when they challenge deeply-held prejudices. All the pish about Jeremy Corbyn being a terrorist-supporting anti-Semite was believed because it’s what folk wanted to believe. Deep in their hearts they knew it was nonsense, but it made them feel better about voting Tory. And the reason they voted Tory was plain for all to see.

The fact is that Britain, England especially, is still full of racists. The more racist ‘gaffes’ Boris Johnson made, the more popular it made him. And that’s what all this Brexit shite comes down to: racism. I’ve heard folk going on about economics and the EU being a ‘faceless bureaucracy’, but those are just rationalisations, soundbites picked up from the right-wing media. Many people want to get back to the ‘good old days’, when you could ‘call a spade a spade’ and there was no ‘PC nonsense’ about not saying things like ‘darkies, poofs and spazzies.’

And then we come to JJ’s bugbear; Scottish independence. I’ve seen English folk on Twitter that honestly believe that they’re handing money to Scotland. They don’t understand that Scottish people pay taxes as well and that it’s the tax from Scottish oil that’s keeping their country afloat. Why the hell do they think their politicians are so desperate to hold onto us? The Pakistani guy in our local shop had a good analogy for the situation. He said it was like giving all your earnings to your neighbour and letting him decide how much you get each month. And not only that, he decides how your house is decorated and furnished and even what your garden looks like. Why would anybody be happy with that? he asked.

And as for JJ’s contention that the SNP are underfunding public services, they can only spend what they’ve got. The Barnett Formula is pegged to spending in England; when NHS funding is cut in England, a proportionate cut is made in the ‘grant’ to Scotland. And Scottish MPs have no say in the matter, since they can’t vote on ‘English’ matters. Meanwhile, health boards are struggling under the constraints of New Labour’s allowing the private sector in to mortgage hospitals up to the hilt. Even with these shackles, the Scottish NHS still outperforms the services in other countries of the UK.

Even some in Scottish (ha!) Labour are realising that independence might be a good idea. It must annoy the hell out of Kezia Dugdale to think that if she and her cronies had supported independence five years ago, she might well now be First Minister in a Labour-led independent Scotland.

On the home front, we went last week to watch wee Thea’s nursery’s nativity play. It was actually quite well organised, with very few lines for the children to learn; it was mostly well-known carols and Christmas songs and the audience was encouraged to join in. The Three Wise Men, however, didn’t exactly live up to their name and the gold, frankincense and myrrh were unceremoniously thrown into the manger. Luckily, Baby Jesus was in Mary’s arms at the time.

There’s plenty for me to moan about on the telly at the moment besides that fucking tiger. That Chanel No. 5 advert for example. Did they get some five-year-olds to write that? For fuck’s sake! Then there’s Tesco delivering to Winston Churchill, Asda pretending they’ve got a heart, dear food at M&S and singing fucking carrots! What the hell has Christmas been reduced to?

“Let mee-yeeeee-yenterain you!”
“Get oan the fuckin’ plate an’ shut it!”

It must be all this shite on the telly that’s riling me, because I’ve now been put on tablets to keep my blood pressure down. Christ, I’m going to need a pile of them, living with Der Fuhrer. Apparently, these pills can have an effect on your kidneys, so I’ve to get blood taken quite frequently to keep tabs on it. That’s me on the slippery slope to the grave and I’m not even 60 yet!

“Awright, troops? Ah don’t know what this cunt’s moanin’ aboot carrots fur. It’s fuckin’ brussels sprouts that Ah fuckin’ hate. Ah’ll no’ even hiv thum in the hoose, nivver mind oan ma plate. Ye cannae beat a good, honest, orange carrot! Anywye, Ah’m lookin’ forward tae gettin’ aw this Christmas pish oot the wye so wae kin concentrate oan mair important matters, like beatin’ theym in thur ain midden!”

All the problems have been fixed and there are no Roman numerals in the footnotes anymore. (Here, that might even be a selling point for the Huns to buy it!)

Available now on Amazon. Only £4.90 for the paperback, £1.99 for Kindle. And remember, if you’re skint, just send me an e-mail and I’ll send you back a free Kindle version. Oh, and if you’ve already bought it and are pissed off with those Roman numerals, let me know and I’ll give you a free copy of the new, improved Kindle version!

12 thoughts on “ROD THE …ER… TOSSER

  1. What was the problem with the Roman numerals? Did you have to remove them because really people are thick?

    Virtuously thick, of course.

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  2. Nothing like a good moan Pat. Not 60 yet, what till you hurtling, well staggering, past 69 and popping pills like a blitzed Rod the Mad. Still it’s that or stop permanently. As for the media, the news….don’t watch/read it. Makes life so much simpler. Then if you want to have a good laugh at a prick trying to write but creating pap, go to JJ every time. Once a knuckle dragger always a third knuckle dragged. Thanks for the effort though, great to look at life through laughter.

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  3. Top Form today Pat.

    The Klan and their fellow Knuckledraggers south of the border are too thick to realise that they have been played by the Hard Right of the Tory Party. A lot of them will be first in line to pay the Butcher’s Bill that’s commming down the road.
    Too many have an idealised impression of what life and work and opportunity was like in the 60’s & 70’s .They long for a return to a “Great Brittain” that in reality never existed except in post war films and TV soaps. No “Sunnny Uplands” or ” Jerusalem” awaits this particular “Lost Tribe”,

    The other side of Brexshit will be a landscape where they can’t blame the EU, Them Furriners and interfering Courts. They will be on their own on the race to the bottom Economically. The Money Men are already bleeeding the Country dry for investment abroad. A large wedge of which has been deposited, ironically, in the Central European Bank. Well what do you know? Quellle surpris and colour me purplle.Who’d a thunk it? 65+Million people shafted by a small band of Utra Right, including our not so Noble Nobility, Money Men, Financiers who were desperate to escape the EU before their legislation regarding Tax Evasion / Avoidance, Money Laundering and Off Shore Banking Transparencey came into play.

    And the English workers, predominantly, think that the Global Economy will owe them a living. That they can compete with the Asian Economies. That foreign Investors will queue up to pour billions into a country that just drove them out. That the remnants of “The Empire” willl rally round to save Old Blighty while their own Growing Economies are struggling to meet the Social needs of their own populations.

    Dream On.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Good morning to you all. Good for Boris taking back control from those unelected EU gnomes and then he goes and punts failed MP Zac Goldsmith and some bint that didn’t even stand as an MP this time round up to the Lords so they can keep jobs in his cabinet. Zac a nice young man and just an ordinary billionaire was one of the few Tories the public decided they could do with out so Boris gives him a job anyway. Zac is also a failed candidate for Mayor of London despite running a nasty racist campaign and is brother to Ben Goldsmith who regards Scotland as a blank canvass where he and his chums can come and play at rewilding. If you scrapped the pair of them I doubt there would be enough good parts to build one reasonable compassionate human being . God who knows Zac may end up on the Celtic board as he ticks all the boxes .
    Like young Pat the telly is doing my head in at this time of year with the perfume and aftershave adverts trying to out do each other for the stupidest advert . One for Libre has a tall leggy woman with a large bird of prey who stands by a fire then stands in the sea and gets soaked but no other person goes near her . My take is the stuff smells so bad people avoid her and then she jumps in the sea to wash the filthy stuff off but I could be wrong . Jonny Depp with his advert just shows he has never dug a hole in his life as he can’t drive a shovel a bit like Boris with his mop. Well done to whoever it was that replaced the v in Sauvage with an s to give a scent for the Scottish man . As for diesel who wants to smell like heavy heating oil . The garages give you disposable gloves so you can avoid that fate when you fill up .

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Saw a guy on the news at a Food-bank in the North of England. He stood in the queue stating he was voting for Boris. Unbelievable, the sooner we get Independence the better as far as I’m concerned. Your right Pat, the Majority English people are totally racist.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Their racism is encoded in their DNA to the extent that they don’t even recognise it. It explains their “English Exceptionalism”. The mantle of Superiority that for a period of just over 2 centuries gave them their Empire. As the Empire dwindled their outwardly display of Englishness has grown to noxious levels in apparernt compensation for their loss. You just have to look at the behaviour of the English abroad and their football fans, (you can include the Knuckledraggers from the DebtDome in there).

      Post Brexshit they will pull up the drawbridges and hunker behind their walls of isolationism and blame nasty Johnny Foreigner for all the tribuations to come in a Global Economy that doesn’t give a shit for their past glories. A New World for them where The Wealthy, The Financiers, The Nobility (including their much treasured Monarch), have parachuted their wealth into off-shore accounts in Tax Havens for investment in the Asian Economies and China. The English Ruling Elite are quite content to do business and trade with foreigners but heavens forbid that they should share living space with them.

      Engerund is Fooked and they can’t see it while they continue to view the rest of the world through their red,white and blue tinted Butcher’s Apron.

      Indyref2 NOW before they drag us down with them.

      H.H.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I see Morelos the great bottler is suspended for the Celtic game as he is over the limit for bookings this season but Celtic are going to appeal it . Thanks to the P Mullen 67 twitter account for that it made me smile on a shitty night .

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Christmas is coming early for about one hundred lucky souls as JJ’s book is rolling off the cyber presses as we speak . It seems our hero has been beavering away on special pass words to issue to protect his forensic masterpiece from the free loaders so I will just have to carry on reading Pat’s latest or spend £3 for Bible Bill’s three books . I wonder if he will dedicate his book to the Minge still missing in action .
    Hearts did not only not cut the grass on their tattie patch but it looks like they have also misplaced the roller . Still another three points in the bag and our wee pal PZJ is frothing at the mouth as he claims he heard sectarian chanting . I wonder if he watches all the Celtic games ? He is getting as bad as Phil with his obsession with our country and ruling party . A united Ireland is going to tip the little twat over the edge and with any luck as one of the lost tribe of Israel he will return to the middle East . This morning when it gets light I am off out to look for otters as I have a friend coming over who wants to film them so a bit of recon is required .

    Liked by 2 people

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